Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[ChrisPsaros]

Every day that goes by where this thread doesn't exist makes me wince in embarrassment for all of you. Careful, don't trip over the elephant!

"Durrr, let's pretend that we don't notice that Chris is gone. We don't want to feed his EGO."

Yeah, as if very obviously and transparently not-posting about it isn't doing exactly that. Fucking retards.

Or is it just a coincidence that this piece of shit gets about two posts a week now, and that the last interesting thing that took place just *happened* to involve me, except for the things you tried as hard as you could (and succeeded), in keeping from being interesting, like Gimp Mask coming back?

Anyway, here's a post for you. Not one of you is allowed to merely skim it, much less not to read it. This is mandatory. Absorb every word of this.

It has now been two months since I posted last, which crushes the record (8 hours? lol) so ridiculously that there might as well not have been a record.

I've lurked (yeah, no shit), but I haven't posted, and now I have an announcement to (finally) make:

I am done with FTU.

Not as in I'm literally never going to make another post (just to pre-emptively clarify that for the 6 year olds here who will dumbshittily not get what I mean), but I'm not going to be living at FTU anymore; I will only come to visit, if anything, and the visits will be rare.

It's never a good idea to tell people you're "about to quit" anything, but it's very hard to end up looking stupid for saying "I quit" if you've already successfully quit (and, therefore, can't possibly fail).

So, that's where I am. I finally, actually *get it* when it comes to how to not post. (Among other things that you probably think I still don't *get*, but going into them would be a digression.)

And now that I know, for sure, that I am capable of not-posting, I'm going to do it forever.


SINCE I LEFT

As I mentioned, I see that Gimp Mask came back, and nobody did anything with it. Nobody said anything, asked anything, attacked him, praised him, whatever. Mindblowing Gay News was posted and ignored, etc. Great job, everybody!

I know what you're thinking ("OH BOY, HERE WE GO AGAIN"), but I like to repeat things until I've articulated them as well as I am capable (i.e. meta-edit everything I've ever said by saying it again and again forever), and I've LEVELED UP, so here we go:

I don't care how you are in the chat, but you are all insufferably awful at posting, and it's stunning that you accuse ME of that. You all really, really suck shit and this place should be deleted.

Just fucking go to your chat and die together watching your screens fill infinitely with Theldorrin and cock-rockets and your ENDLESS fucking agonizing video game trash (hint: the cock-rockets are the most interesting of the three).

Oh, is posting on the board as little as possible, and when you do post, boringly talking about some niche thing that 8% of the board cares about, what makes a good poster? Is that the formula? Is this bizare reverse power-posting obession still the in-thing? Is Seru's keyboard ready so that he can shriek loudly about how uninteresting anything interesting is?

Do you know how fucking badly.... I want to read the things... that only you all can write? ;;;;;;______;;;;;;

As for me, the good news is, leaving here seems to have increased my intelligence (is that POSSIBLE?) and self-confidence. I've reached some kind of ludicrous mental singularity where I can't stop having awesome ideas and am *almost* totally incapable of gayness or unfunny. My final form has emerged from the cloud of smoke. It's all been leading up to this!

It's like I stumbled into the same Seishin to Toki no Heya (Hyperbolic Time Chamber, fucking dumbfuck dubbies) that Big Fagot must have while he was bopping the bop bag and catching Mistress 9 or whatever, before instantly reappearing and never again making a single post that sucked.


WHY I LEFT

I left for the same reason you stop talking when a little kid (BEARDED BALD BABY?) is following you around repeating everything you say in a mocking tone, or get off the stage when you're getting tomatoes thrown at you.

Your FOES aren't actually doing anything intelligent or valid, but they sort of win by default through sheer force. Thinking of an effective countermeasure, or waiting until they get tired, isn't really worth the effort. It's a one-man uphill battle with no reward. At best, they merely stop, and that's it. That's all you get. They don't stop and then concede to you, or totally fall in love with you. Your prize is nothing.

Did ALDP/Jason/etc. cause me to snap, or did I cause them to snap? I don't think it's one OR the other. I think maybe we all just sensed that it was time for me to move on.

At this point, we (this includes me) have all been irrevocably and irreversibly programmed to deal with Chris Psaros in an unwaveringly consistent way at FTU. And I don't enjoy, or need, to run the program anymore.

What, like I'm going to try and "start over" and be a great poster in the last .05% of the existence of a forum that nobody posts at anymore, fighting against the absolute maximum possible level of inertia?

I'm not blaming anyone else, but I have as much chance of getting out of my social capital deficit as Michael Richards did of winning the crowd back after screaming "nigger" non-stop for 5 minutes.

Or the U.S. government getting out of ITS deficit! Haha! Am I right?


MY BAD POSTS (I.E., ALL OF MY POSTS)

Speaking of that last sentence, I remain steadfast that my underlying schtick (anti-humor) was misunderstood, but that's fine. I tried to do the most dangerous and difficult form of comedy, was meddling with powers I didn't understand, and the result was just the pits, wasn't it? Oh well. Live and learn!

I'm never going to post again, but if I do, I guarantee it will be bad. Garbage is seriously all I want to post here. There is an exact negative 1-to-1 correlation between posts I enjoy making and posts that should exist.

It's not that I'm *incapable* of doing something else, but if there isn't a shitty, sly, gay grin spreading across my face as the cursor moves toward the Submit button, I probably wouldn't have bothered writing the post.

The "you can't be better" thing doesn't hold water. Yes, I can, but it's fucking wrist-slashingly boring. It may not bore you to be boring, but it bores me to be boring.

And this has nothing to do with my "maturity." It has to do with the (fucking few) things I have in common with anyone here not being interesting enough to me to bother interacting about, and this place no longer being about itself and the things that make it unique, which is what drew me to its PROGENITOR (MPP) in the first place.

Most of the FTU is gone from FTU. The characters are gone. The show is over. All that's left are the actors milling around. Though I guess there's nobody to blame, since that was totally inevitable. It's fine, and I guess we could keep the post-show hangout going for years in theory, but it's definitely over. I'm finally not fighting that anymore. Have your precious chat. Fine.


EVEN IF I COULD...

It would never be possible for me to be accepted in a new role, even if I decided that I loved talking about video games and Decepticoncore bands and agreeing with feminism. Not because I can't change, but because I different-kind-of-can't change.

If I were to change in the way I needed to, nearly every characteristic one might use to describe me would no longer exist. You realize that, right? I might as well create a new fake account and introduce myself as a new poster. It would save a lot of time.

My relationship with FTU as a whole, and many FTUers individually, is tied to me being an obnoxious shitbag. It's built in. It defines the relationship.

For there to be any hope at all for my future here, everyone would have to agree to forget everything and hit a big reset button, and that's not possible. No matter what I post, the past gives it an overpowering taint (ehehe).

Whether I'm behaving like it or not, I am simply always going to be (as Jason put it all those years ago) FTU's cock. And just like a father who adopts a son, once you estalish that role and grew into it, it became irreversible. The son can't become his father's wife (AW WHERE DA PUSSY AT??). He either stays the son, or gets out of his father's life (and even then he'll always be his father's son). That same door was sealed shut for me at least 8 years ago.

But I don't want to live my day-to-day life in that role - of cock - anymore. So I have to get out of FTU's life.

And you know what else I don't want? The opposite! It sickens me to imagine you and I treating each other with civility.

And that was it: neither way works. I don't, but do, want to be despised; I don't, but do, want to be liked. I've sort of gotten that for a long time, but then I super-got it. Recognizing the concreteness of the paradox was my "yes, I started to cry, and yes, I am a geek" moment. And you know what happened the last time I had that moment! One last glorious essay, and then... silence.


CHRIS PSAROS, SAIYA-JIN WARRIOR

It was a horrific epiphany, a few dozen posts into the ChrisPsaros account when I realized, "Jesus. This is so unnatural! I'm not being myself. Wait, but I thought it was that OTHER crap that wasn't myself? Wait... who the fuck... am I??"

But "which Chris is the REAL one???" isn't the right question.

It's more like this: I am a Saiya-jin with a non-removable tail, and FTU is a full moon.

A Saiya-jin is not JUST a monstrous, insensible, raging Oozaru (Goku-type, not controlled Vegeta-type), nor is he JUST a hero who can save the world. He is both. But tell that to the people who live on a planet he visits every day where the full moon is never not-out and he's just stomping and destroying everything. They've never seen the human side.

When I tried my new, inoffensive style, I hadn't changed back to human. The full moon was still there, as was the monster. He was just in chains.

Maybe most of you meeting my human side initially, and knowing that I am CAPABLE of doing something heartfelt and idealistic and sane (DBZ Uncensored), but then seeing me do THIS for ten years instead, is exactly why you came to hate me so much.

And let's talk about that.


THE ORIGIN OF THE NIGHTMARE

Why, exactly, did I become a piece of shit in the first place?

For all the public torturous self-psychoanalysis I've done over the past decade, I've never once actually gone into any depth about this.

There were two factors that caused me to throw myself off the cliff: Mike Payne was one, the other was coming into the group with automatic alpha ape status.


YES, WELL, MAGIC PENIS

When I first saw Mr. Popo's Palace (the site), I shit my pants. Here was this angel who was so much funnier than I could ever be, and in a type of humor I couldn't even wrap my head around, let alone learn and improve at, and it made me insane.

I wanted singlehanded and utter dominion over the mind of the DBZ Web Community, but Mike Payne was funnier than me (much funnier) and I was helpless.

We met through him telling me that he loved me. That's the way I found his site in the first place - he sent me the link. I shrugged and said "oh look, a link to a DBZ site that will be nothing compared to mine; THERE'S something I've never seen."

But then I clicked. And I saw his power, the instant I laid eyes on the site. I knew that I could never compete with this. At least not with what it was.

A monster had come, and he was showing *me* deference! I was in an awkward position. I could perceive that I wouldn't be able to crush him if a time came when I needed to. I could beat him at writing critical and passionate DBZ essays, but I could not write funnier ones.

Do you have any idea what I experienced when I read his Dodoria editorials? I had never seen anything like this on my screen. The fear was indescribable.

I wanted his abilities. So badly. But what took me years to understand is that Mike Payne's strength, and my strength, could not physically coexist in a single being (at least a being with only one brain). There were too many irreconcilable paradoxes.

You can't wear the horn of a unicorn if you are a rhino. It won't fit, and it looks ridiculous.

No matter what, I would never be able to have what Mike had. I would never be able to do the things that this wonderful creature could do, just as he would never be able to do the things I could do (of course, he showed no sign of even wanting *my* abilities, which drove me even further into jealousy).

I should be at least slightly more specific about what part of Mike I wanted to consume, but I'll keep it short: it was his unique brand of absolute, breathtaking indifference (in the force of which I turned my back on my sincerity and idealism), and various things about his writing style (which, when combined with mine, resulted in a putrid Frankenstein). Of course, it's not like I'm the only one. Were any of us NOT trying to drink of Mike at the time, at least somehow?

I wasn't able to accept that what was Mike's could not be mine. All I knew is that I couldn't eliminate him, or deny his existence. And so I ended up destroying myself trying to absorb what made him beautiful. I craved it so horribly.

I desperately and brutishly glued his unicorn horn onto the end of my rhino horn, and it was as disastrous as it was certain to be.


"YOU'RE BETTER THAN ALL OF US"

Somewhere before the DBZ U forum was made, around the time Peter Jones not-sarcastically told me in email that I was the best person to exist, I started to get really uncomfortable. I was a god, and I wanted to start a forum, and being god was going to be a tough act to follow.

I came into this (the forums) and was just handed a free pass to being respected and awed, before ever interacting with it. It was terrifying. I had never been the top dog in any other group. I was always the outcast, or the little brother, and I was in way over my head. I was fine with being the best from afar, on my website, but on the forums I would actualy have to be among you, mixing it up.

You all came into each other's lives as peers (including Mike, who first met most of the MPP people at DDBC before setting up his site). I never had that chance. I was always going to be larger than life. I did not single myself out; the nature of the group and how I entered it singled me out.

You all make so much out of my "ego", me "always being the center of attention." Do you see how, in the context of all of this, that it came with the territory, and is at least as much about the nature of the group (especially an Internet-based group where reality is distorted), and the way YOU behave around me, as it is about something inherent to me? There was nowhere for me to ever stand here except on a platform. The mistake was seizing it greedily and misusing it, but I didn't have the understnding I needed to wield my great power responsibly.

My egotistical behavior couldn't have even shown itself if this whole situation hadn't been a petri dish for it to manifest, especially since there was a part of me, one that had never before been expressed in any other context, that wanted to feed on the situation.

I was never going to be JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, but I wanted THAT too. That was dicey though, since there would be absolutely nowhere to go but down if I accidentally did something to fuck up my status, and I knew I was extremely capable of that.

The idea of me doing something awful, and people secretly thinking I was gay, but not saying it for social reasons, scared me. I didn't want to live in fear of it. I had to make sure that people would be comfortable calling me out.

So, with all of this in mind (my discomfort/inexperience with an alpha role, and my desire to cut a chunk out of my status so that I could be one of you), I engineered my own downfall. The method boiled down to following every momentary, shitty, masturbatory impulse, and doing it to the maximum, and never putting any filter on myself whatsoever (which, again, is something the Internet potently facilitates).

This didn't happen 100% consciously (and it quickly spun out of my control), but my self-sabotage WAS intentional. I knew that I could always rely on it having been intentional, and never have to face genuine defeat.

All of that, by the way, is part of the total irreconcilability of my situation. When I speak, for better or worse, it is filtered and amplified by all the context. I am held to impossible standards here. Then, now, and forever. My FTU is set to nightmare difficulty, partly by myself, partly by circumstance.

The underlying situation is true of anyone - that identical words will change in meaning depending on who says them. Even if Ace says something funny, it's not going to seem funny because of the 50 god-awful things he said before it; if Seru says something unfunny it will be a lot less unfunny than if Ace said it.

In my case, what I am and where I came from can explain a lot: why I don't "engage" (and SEEM like I'm not engaging, even when I am), why I always draw controversy no matter what I say, why me being stupid is always perceived as extra-stupid, why me being right doesn't matter an iota (because of all the wrong), etc. This is all just a combination of group dynamics and water under the bridge.

Ultimately though, now that all is said and done, I learned lessons that were not possible to learn any other way. As, I suspect, did many of you. I wouldn't change anything.


PAY ROY

I believe I've explained myself. That's all for now.

I'll return to rub your noses in it when the economy finishes collapsing, ghosts are proven, or I finally create something that makes me famous. All are inevitable, and at least one may have already happened.

If nothing else, no matter how much of an irredeemable piece of shit I am, if it's so important that this is now "a group of adults who are friends," please don't forget that most of you would have never met if not for me. Only the MPP piece of all this ever would have come into being. There would have been a Mike and ALDP, but no Jason and ALDP, or Theldorrin and Big Fagot, or Big Fagot and Chris Psaros. This was our gravity room, and it was awesome, and I think our training is maxed-out, and we are ready to fight great battles. That means something to me. That makes me happy. Does it mean something to you???

NOW THEN, I am holding a sealed envelope that immaculately predicts each of your individual reactions. I wish there were some way to timestamp it.

[ALDP]

tl/dr

[ALDP]

Chris, the board goes through dry spells. You being gone makes exactly the difference that one regular being gone makes. Why is this so important for you?

[ALDP]

Every day that goes by where this thread doesn't exist makes me wince in embarrassment for all of you. Careful, don't trip over the elephant!

"Durrr, let's pretend that we don't notice that Chris is gone. We don't want to feed his EGO."

Yeah, as if very obviously and transparently not-posting about it isn't doing exactly that. Fucking retards.

Or is it just a coincidence that this piece of shit gets about two posts a week now, and that the last interesting thing that took place just *happened* to involve me, except for the things you tried as hard as you could (and succeeded), in keeping from being interesting, like Gimp Mask coming back?

Anyway, here's a post for you. Not one of you is allowed to merely skim it, much less not to read it. This is mandatory. Absorb every word of this.

It has now been two months since I posted last, which crushes the record (8 hours? lol) so ridiculously that there might as well not have been a record.

I've lurked (yeah, no shit), but I haven't posted, and now I have an announcement to (finally) make:

I am done with FTU.

Not as in I'm literally never going to make another post (just to pre-emptively clarify that for the 6 year olds here who will dumbshittily not get what I mean), but I'm not going to be living at FTU anymore; I will only come to visit, if anything, and the visits will be rare.

It's never a good idea to tell people you're "about to quit" anything, but it's very hard to end up looking stupid for saying "I quit" if you've already successfully quit (and, therefore, can't possibly fail).

So, that's where I am. I finally, actually *get it* when it comes to how to not post. (Among other things that you probably think I still don't *get*, but going into them would be a digression.)

And now that I know, for sure, that I am capable of not-posting, I'm going to do it forever.


SINCE I LEFT

As I mentioned, I see that Gimp Mask came back, and nobody did anything with it. Nobody said anything, asked anything, attacked him, praised him, whatever. Mindblowing Gay News was posted and ignored, etc. Great job, everybody!

I know what you're thinking ("OH BOY, HERE WE GO AGAIN"), but I like to repeat things until I've articulated them as well as I am capable (i.e. meta-edit everything I've ever said by saying it again and again forever), and I've LEVELED UP, so here we go:

I don't care how you are in the chat, but you are all insufferably awful at posting, and it's stunning that you accuse ME of that. You all really, really suck shit and this place should be deleted.

Just fucking go to your chat and die together watching your screens fill infinitely with Theldorrin and cock-rockets and your ENDLESS fucking agonizing video game trash (hint: the cock-rockets are the most interesting of the three).

Oh, is posting on the board as little as possible, and when you do post, boringly talking about some niche thing that 8% of the board cares about, what makes a good poster? Is that the formula? Is this bizare reverse power-posting obession still the in-thing? Is Seru's keyboard ready so that he can shriek loudly about how uninteresting anything interesting is?

Do you know how fucking badly.... I want to read the things... that only you all can write? ;;;;;;______;;;;;;

As for me, the good news is, leaving here seems to have increased my intelligence (is that POSSIBLE?) and self-confidence. I've reached some kind of ludicrous mental singularity where I can't stop having awesome ideas and am *almost* totally incapable of gayness or unfunny. My final form has emerged from the cloud of smoke. It's all been leading up to this!

It's like I stumbled into the same Seishin to Toki no Heya (Hyperbolic Time Chamber, fucking dumbfuck dubbies) that Big Fagot must have while he was bopping the bop bag and catching Mistress 9 or whatever, before instantly reappearing and never again making a single post that sucked.


WHY I LEFT

I left for the same reason you stop talking when a little kid (BEARDED BALD BABY?) is following you around repeating everything you say in a mocking tone, or get off the stage when you're getting tomatoes thrown at you.

Your FOES aren't actually doing anything intelligent or valid, but they sort of win by default through sheer force. Thinking of an effective countermeasure, or waiting until they get tired, isn't really worth the effort. It's a one-man uphill battle with no reward. At best, they merely stop, and that's it. That's all you get. They don't stop and then concede to you, or totally fall in love with you. Your prize is nothing.

Did ALDP/Jason/etc. cause me to snap, or did I cause them to snap? I don't think it's one OR the other. I think maybe we all just sensed that it was time for me to move on.

At this point, we (this includes me) have all been irrevocably and irreversibly programmed to deal with Chris Psaros in an unwaveringly consistent way at FTU. And I don't enjoy, or need, to run the program anymore.

What, like I'm going to try and "start over" and be a great poster in the last .05% of the existence of a forum that nobody posts at anymore, fighting against the absolute maximum possible level of inertia?

I'm not blaming anyone else, but I have as much chance of getting out of my social capital deficit as Michael Richards did of winning the crowd back after screaming "nigger" non-stop for 5 minutes.

Or the U.S. government getting out of ITS deficit! Haha! Am I right?


MY BAD POSTS (I.E., ALL OF MY POSTS)

Speaking of that last sentence, I remain steadfast that my underlying schtick (anti-humor) was misunderstood, but that's fine. I tried to do the most dangerous and difficult form of comedy, was meddling with powers I didn't understand, and the result was just the pits, wasn't it? Oh well. Live and learn!

I'm never going to post again, but if I do, I guarantee it will be bad. Garbage is seriously all I want to post here. There is an exact negative 1-to-1 correlation between posts I enjoy making and posts that should exist.

It's not that I'm *incapable* of doing something else, but if there isn't a shitty, sly, gay grin spreading across my face as the cursor moves toward the Submit button, I probably wouldn't have bothered writing the post.

The "you can't be better" thing doesn't hold water. Yes, I can, but it's fucking wrist-slashingly boring. It may not bore you to be boring, but it bores me to be boring.

And this has nothing to do with my "maturity." It has to do with the (fucking few) things I have in common with anyone here not being interesting enough to me to bother interacting about, and this place no longer being about itself and the things that make it unique, which is what drew me to its PROGENITOR (MPP) in the first place.

Most of the FTU is gone from FTU. The characters are gone. The show is over. All that's left are the actors milling around. Though I guess there's nobody to blame, since that was totally inevitable. It's fine, and I guess we could keep the post-show hangout going for years in theory, but it's definitely over. I'm finally not fighting that anymore. Have your precious chat. Fine.


EVEN IF I COULD...

It would never be possible for me to be accepted in a new role, even if I decided that I loved talking about video games and Decepticoncore bands and agreeing with feminism. Not because I can't change, but because I different-kind-of-can't change.

If I were to change in the way I needed to, nearly every characteristic one might use to describe me would no longer exist. You realize that, right? I might as well create a new fake account and introduce myself as a new poster. It would save a lot of time.

My relationship with FTU as a whole, and many FTUers individually, is tied to me being an obnoxious shitbag. It's built in. It defines the relationship.

For there to be any hope at all for my future here, everyone would have to agree to forget everything and hit a big reset button, and that's not possible. No matter what I post, the past gives it an overpowering taint (ehehe).

Whether I'm behaving like it or not, I am simply always going to be (as Jason put it all those years ago) FTU's cock. And just like a father who adopts a son, once you estalish that role and grew into it, it became irreversible. The son can't become his father's wife (AW WHERE DA PUSSY AT??). He either stays the son, or gets out of his father's life (and even then he'll always be his father's son). That same door was sealed shut for me at least 8 years ago.

But I don't want to live my day-to-day life in that role - of cock - anymore. So I have to get out of FTU's life.

And you know what else I don't want? The opposite! It sickens me to imagine you and I treating each other with civility.

And that was it: neither way works. I don't, but do, want to be despised; I don't, but do, want to be liked. I've sort of gotten that for a long time, but then I super-got it. Recognizing the concreteness of the paradox was my "yes, I started to cry, and yes, I am a geek" moment. And you know what happened the last time I had that moment! One last glorious essay, and then... silence.


CHRIS PSAROS, SAIYA-JIN WARRIOR

It was a horrific epiphany, a few dozen posts into the ChrisPsaros account when I realized, "Jesus. This is so unnatural! I'm not being myself. Wait, but I thought it was that OTHER crap that wasn't myself? Wait... who the fuck... am I??"

But "which Chris is the REAL one???" isn't the right question.

It's more like this: I am a Saiya-jin with a non-removable tail, and FTU is a full moon.

A Saiya-jin is not JUST a monstrous, insensible, raging Oozaru (Goku-type, not controlled Vegeta-type), nor is he JUST a hero who can save the world. He is both. But tell that to the people who live on a planet he visits every day where the full moon is never not-out and he's just stomping and destroying everything. They've never seen the human side.

When I tried my new, inoffensive style, I hadn't changed back to human. The full moon was still there, as was the monster. He was just in chains.

Maybe most of you meeting my human side initially, and knowing that I am CAPABLE of doing something heartfelt and idealistic and sane (DBZ Uncensored), but then seeing me do THIS for ten years instead, is exactly why you came to hate me so much.

And let's talk about that.


THE ORIGIN OF THE NIGHTMARE

Why, exactly, did I become a piece of shit in the first place?

For all the public torturous self-psychoanalysis I've done over the past decade, I've never once actually gone into any depth about this.

There were two factors that caused me to throw myself off the cliff: Mike Payne was one, the other was coming into the group with automatic alpha ape status.


YES, WELL, MAGIC PENIS

When I first saw Mr. Popo's Palace (the site), I shit my pants. Here was this angel who was so much funnier than I could ever be, and in a type of humor I couldn't even wrap my head around, let alone learn and improve at, and it made me insane.

I wanted singlehanded and utter dominion over the mind of the DBZ Web Community, but Mike Payne was funnier than me (much funnier) and I was helpless.

We met through him telling me that he loved me. That's the way I found his site in the first place - he sent me the link. I shrugged and said "oh look, a link to a DBZ site that will be nothing compared to mine; THERE'S something I've never seen."

But then I clicked. And I saw his power, the instant I laid eyes on the site. I knew that I could never compete with this. At least not with what it was.

A monster had come, and he was showing *me* deference! I was in an awkward position. I could perceive that I wouldn't be able to crush him if a time came when I needed to. I could beat him at writing critical and passionate DBZ essays, but I could not write funnier ones.

Do you have any idea what I experienced when I read his Dodoria editorials? I had never seen anything like this on my screen. The fear was indescribable.

I wanted his abilities. So badly. But what took me years to understand is that Mike Payne's strength, and my strength, could not physically coexist in a single being (at least a being with only one brain). There were too many irreconcilable paradoxes.

You can't wear the horn of a unicorn if you are a rhino. It won't fit, and it looks ridiculous.

No matter what, I would never be able to have what Mike had. I would never be able to do the things that this wonderful creature could do, just as he would never be able to do the things I could do (of course, he showed no sign of even wanting *my* abilities, which drove me even further into jealousy).

I should be at least slightly more specific about what part of Mike I wanted to consume, but I'll keep it short: it was his unique brand of absolute, breathtaking indifference (in the force of which I turned my back on my sincerity and idealism), and various things about his writing style (which, when combined with mine, resulted in a putrid Frankenstein). Of course, it's not like I'm the only one. Were any of us NOT trying to drink of Mike at the time, at least somehow?

I wasn't able to accept that what was Mike's could not be mine. All I knew is that I couldn't eliminate him, or deny his existence. And so I ended up destroying myself trying to absorb what made him beautiful. I craved it so horribly.

I desperately and brutishly glued his unicorn horn onto the end of my rhino horn, and it was as disastrous as it was certain to be.


"YOU'RE BETTER THAN ALL OF US"

Somewhere before the DBZ U forum was made, around the time Peter Jones not-sarcastically told me in email that I was the best person to exist, I started to get really uncomfortable. I was a god, and I wanted to start a forum, and being god was going to be a tough act to follow.

I came into this (the forums) and was just handed a free pass to being respected and awed, before ever interacting with it. It was terrifying. I had never been the top dog in any other group. I was always the outcast, or the little brother, and I was in way over my head. I was fine with being the best from afar, on my website, but on the forums I would actualy have to be among you, mixing it up.

You all came into each other's lives as peers (including Mike, who first met most of the MPP people at DDBC before setting up his site). I never had that chance. I was always going to be larger than life. I did not single myself out; the nature of the group and how I entered it singled me out.

You all make so much out of my "ego", me "always being the center of attention." Do you see how, in the context of all of this, that it came with the territory, and is at least as much about the nature of the group (especially an Internet-based group where reality is distorted), and the way YOU behave around me, as it is about something inherent to me? There was nowhere for me to ever stand here except on a platform. The mistake was seizing it greedily and misusing it, but I didn't have the understnding I needed to wield my great power responsibly.

My egotistical behavior couldn't have even shown itself if this whole situation hadn't been a petri dish for it to manifest, especially since there was a part of me, one that had never before been expressed in any other context, that wanted to feed on the situation.

I was never going to be JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, but I wanted THAT too. That was dicey though, since there would be absolutely nowhere to go but down if I accidentally did something to fuck up my status, and I knew I was extremely capable of that.

The idea of me doing something awful, and people secretly thinking I was gay, but not saying it for social reasons, scared me. I didn't want to live in fear of it. I had to make sure that people would be comfortable calling me out.

So, with all of this in mind (my discomfort/inexperience with an alpha role, and my desire to cut a chunk out of my status so that I could be one of you), I engineered my own downfall. The method boiled down to following every momentary, shitty, masturbatory impulse, and doing it to the maximum, and never putting any filter on myself whatsoever (which, again, is something the Internet potently facilitates).

This didn't happen 100% consciously (and it quickly spun out of my control), but my self-sabotage WAS intentional. I knew that I could always rely on it having been intentional, and never have to face genuine defeat.

All of that, by the way, is part of the total irreconcilability of my situation. When I speak, for better or worse, it is filtered and amplified by all the context. I am held to impossible standards here. Then, now, and forever. My FTU is set to nightmare difficulty, partly by myself, partly by circumstance.

The underlying situation is true of anyone - that identical words will change in meaning depending on who says them. Even if Ace says something funny, it's not going to seem funny because of the 50 god-awful things he said before it; if Seru says something unfunny it will be a lot less unfunny than if Ace said it.

In my case, what I am and where I came from can explain a lot: why I don't "engage" (and SEEM like I'm not engaging, even when I am), why I always draw controversy no matter what I say, why me being stupid is always perceived as extra-stupid, why me being right doesn't matter an iota (because of all the wrong), etc. This is all just a combination of group dynamics and water under the bridge.

Ultimately though, now that all is said and done, I learned lessons that were not possible to learn any other way. As, I suspect, did many of you. I wouldn't change anything.


PAY ROY

I believe I've explained myself. That's all for now.

I'll return to rub your noses in it when the economy finishes collapsing, ghosts are proven, or I finally create something that makes me famous. All are inevitable, and at least one may have already happened.

If nothing else, no matter how much of an irredeemable piece of shit I am, if it's so important that this is now "a group of adults who are friends," please don't forget that most of you would have never met if not for me. Only the MPP piece of all this ever would have come into being. There would have been a Mike and ALDP, but no Jason and ALDP, or Theldorrin and Big Fagot, or Big Fagot and Chris Psaros. This was our gravity room, and it was awesome, and I think our training is maxed-out, and we are ready to fight great battles. That means something to me. That makes me happy. Does it mean something to you???

NOW THEN, I am holding a sealed envelope that immaculately predicts each of your individual reactions. I wish there were some way to timestamp it.

[Jason]

It was Clint that called you the cock, not me, imbecile.

And I only Ctrl+Fed for my name, by the way.
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Last edited by God on Fri Apr 05, 33 4:00 am; edited 1 time in total

[Ryoko's Biatch]

This is, without a doubt, the best thing Chris has ever posted.

[Theldorrin]

Actually, I think we talked specifically about you leaving in that Matthew Outland thread where we frowned on Vito's behaviour during the conversation that we all had in the chat.

Chris, you don't seem to engage because you have a tendency to gloss over other people. Like right now you're acting like FTU is very monolithic in its behaviour, when that's really not true at all.

Being engaging is about being able to interact with people as individuals. That's why people make threads and posts about things that only interest 8% of the board, because they understand that not everything always has to be universally interesting to everyone.
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@}-,-'- *~*~* Member of the FTU Elegant Tea Party Society *~*~* -'-,-{@

[Theldorrin]

One of the worst things about that post was how few shout outs there were.
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@}-,-'- *~*~* Member of the FTU Elegant Tea Party Society *~*~* -'-,-{@

[Ryoko's Biatch]

Yeah, he definitely should have thrown in a few jabs and/or props for everyone.

[Theldorrin]

Yeah, it was just a whole lot of Mike, a spritz of Jason, Peter and ALDP, and a dash of me.
_________________
@}-,-'- *~*~* Member of the FTU Elegant Tea Party Society *~*~* -'-,-{@

[Theldorrin]

Oh, I missed Seru's shrieking.
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@}-,-'- *~*~* Member of the FTU Elegant Tea Party Society *~*~* -'-,-{@

[Theldorrin]

This thread is going to grow Mike's ego, so it's probably a good time for me to confess that I didn't really like MPP the site. It was just coincidence that I ended up at the forum and I never really was an avid reader of the site.

As an aside, is "Let Me Just Say This" a reference?
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@}-,-'- *~*~* Member of the FTU Elegant Tea Party Society *~*~* -'-,-{@

[Yogurtman]

That was the title of Hatter's giant gay goodbye post.

Anyway, Chris, I appreciate your great insight in pointing out that the board sucks now and has for, whatever, two years at least. Nobody else had noticed.

[Yogurtman]

I should probably just delete this thread.

[Theldorrin]

Just a heads up to everyone that we're talking about the Dodoria thingy in the chat, because I mentioned that I had never read it.

Also,
http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/2000113-dragon-ball-general/60124306
_________________
@}-,-'- *~*~* Member of the FTU Elegant Tea Party Society *~*~* -'-,-{@

[Richard Cristopolis]

Chris, you have to have something wrong with you if you care how much people on the internet think of you.

It's a fucking. forum.

[Seru]

Aw man, I was going to parody that angel Goku picture in a new banner where I declare the board dead.

No, seriously!

[Seru]

whyyyyyyyyy

I guess I have to erase my mental storyboard and start from square one. THIS NONSENSE HAS STIFLED MY SPIRIT.

[Big Fagot]

It was a single Dodoria bio, not multiple Dodoria editorials.

[Magic Juan]

I wish it had been a bit longer, and I wish Chris had mentioned my attempts at friendship more.