Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[BigJoeMex]

Rice has to tell us if he watched any Mexican comedians doing skits on the streets of China!

[Magic Juan]

Rice is too busy getting tombstones thrown at his chest right now to answer us.

[BigJoeMex]

*punches clean through tombstone while old master laughs heartily*

[Sporkism]

Rice-Oh

[Rice]

I'm back home, and Vinny made me post again so I might as write about the rest of my adventures. I don't remember how far into my stay I left off, so I may repeat myself, but whatever.

All this shit is out of order because I'm typing as I remember.

[Servbot]

Are you huge and super strong now?

[Rice]

Around my third month or so I was able to split bricks. Shitty porous Chinese bricks, BUT STILL! The reason I decided to try it in the first place was because the fucking weird ass Australian kid who had an extremely unhealthy obsession with Kingdom Hearts(he wrote about how it changed his life on the walls of his room) was able to break one by repeatedly stomping on it.


I guess that was the result of the iron palm training. More impressively, the wonky Finnish engineer that I hung out with was able to dent a taxi by backfisting it. He called this one taxi driver he liked to pick him up, and it ended up being his asshole brother, then when he was getting out he smashed a crater into it.

[Rice]

Oh man, so basically I trained for five days a week and then on the weekends we would usually go to the city and do whatever. It was customary to get really inebriated and revel when someone was about to leave, so one time we were all super wasted and we went to one of the DISCOS. I was off with this one girl trying (and failing heroically) to mack on her, but when we walked back to where the other guys were they were like all flipping out about how they just saw 10-20 Chinese guys surrounding a Chinese girl and kicking her repeatedly. I think they intervened and told them to stop and first they were like "Ok" and stopped and then as soon as they started walking away began kicking her again. When they tried to stop it again, they got knives pulled on them. I think at that point the cops came so it got broken up. I still have no idea what that was all about.

[Rice]

Rural China is basically the wild west, or a post apocalyptic wasteland without guns. The village that they always made us run to was literally just a strip of dirt road with buildings on either side. There would be dirty packs of animals running around and kids riding motorcycles and dudes randomly welding shit on the street. The huge awesome American, JARROD, went to the welding guy, gave him a bunch of money, and told him to weld a bunch of steel pipes and chains together to make nunchucks. Whenever they'd make us run, I'd tuck money into my waistband, then buy a bunch of meat when I got into the village. I usually took a pedicab back, which consisted of a motorcycle with a metal frame soddered on and plastic stretched around it. It was awesome because their rear-view mirrors and such would just be hand mirrors taped onto the handlebars.

[Rice]

They also stacked livestock on top of each other when they were transporting them!

[Rice]

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I got attacked by a fucking cow! I was running in the forest path one time and as I was coming back up it the thing was just grazing, then it saw me and snorted, then started coming for me. I sidestepped behind a tree and thankfully it was retarded and butted into it and couldn't figure out to go around. Then the farmer guy came out from behind these shrubs and was like "Go around! Just go around!"

[Rice]

Also, my master made me eat cow cock n balls, because he said it gave me strength.

Actually, he made me consume a lot of stuff. I think that may have saved my life one night because one night he made me drink this insane fucking liquor with like, ground deer antler in it and it knocked me flat on my ass. I passed out in a hotel room and that night this huge Danish motherfucker and tubby Icelandic asshole that just came went out to the same disco the girl was getting kicked at and the Icelandic guy ended up getting stabbed in the back with a bottle. Had I not been destroyed I probably would have gone with them, PERHAPS SUFFERING A SIMILAR FATE.

[Mike Dunn]

kekekekekekekeke

[Rice]

Haha, the bathhouses in China are awesome. This other time I was super drunk I stumbled into one, then collapsed on the sofas in the lobby. I turned to the counter and was like "Sorry, I've been drinking" and they just stared at me and said "We can tell." I changed and showered, then went upstairs, demanded a foot massage and promptly passed out while getting it.

I saw a lot of guys smoking cigarettes in the shower. And drinking beer in the hottubs! It was great because you could be a huge piece of shit and walk around naked and smoke and order food and drink while soaking yourself. I spent a fair amount of time flexing in their mirrors because I was bigger and stronger than all the other Chinese guys.

[Vinny]

Did you make assholish faces while going "GAH HAH HAH HAH!"
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[Rice]

ALSO the Finnish guy took me to this awesome one no one knew about. SEE, the way it worked was most people would go to the city on the weekends, then pay 20 RMB(like 3-4 American dollars) to stay in a bathhouse. The bathhouse was super nice, even by western standards, and it had this huge sleeping area with LAY-Z-Boy sofas or whatever where you could crash and get massages from pretty ladies in short skirts.

WELL, this one was 10 RMB, way scuzzier(some of the showerheads looked like something out of Silent Hill) BUT the difference was when you went to the big sleeping area the pretty ladies in short skirts would come out and start grabbing your dick. It's quite something to be sleeping and then wake up with a girl running her hands through your hair and grabbing your junk. That was awesome.

[Big Fagot]

I spent a fair amount of time flexing in their mirrors because I was bigger and stronger than all the other Chinese guys.

[Rice]

And Ace is a ludicrous turboninny for being so self righteous about the prostitution thing. Seriously. I went to a lot more brothels and many of the hookers I met were some of the most laid back, relaxed, and accepting(well, they're hookers) people I have ever seen. One was like, a trained opera singer or something. Another one was this slim cute girl who was always smoking a cigarette and was actually really witty and clever. A lot of times I would just chill in the brothel lobby and not do anything because it was interesting. One time me and this other guy were walking around WHORE STREET and we looked into one place and there were these two girls just sexy dancing to some techno video. We went in and were like "Are you guys having a dance party?! Can we dance with you?" and they just shrugged and said OK and we just broke it down for a while before heading on.

I eventually stopped going to whore street though, because the bathhouse was way more awesome. There was this one lady there that hunted me and Ville(THE FINNISH GUY) down every time we went, and every time she would try to get me and him to go pound her in succession. One time she was there and I was like "Umm no I think I'm just gonna rest today" and it escalated into her trying to wrest me from the bed and go off into one of the FUCK ROOMS. She literally was trying to pick me up and carry me off, and if she had been stronger than me I would have been raped. The other girls were less persistent but equally awesome. Honestly it became a game with me and Ville to go there and resist their advances, because they came and talked to you as they were trying to coax you into doing them and well, I really fucking enjoyed their conversations!

[Mike Dunn]

China is a daydream

[Jason]

Let's do an FTU-wide trip to China, with Rice as our guide.
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Last edited by God on Fri Apr 05, 33 4:00 am; edited 1 time in total