Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Big Fagot]

Chapter 14: THIS IS SPARTAUGH!

Recap: Nick Sparta, in the employ of the Conner Foundation, traveled to Post-America and retrieved a person from a secret location. That person turned out to be Al Sparta, his twin brother who he had never met. They found that only one of them could be conscious at a time, and that each of them had magic science powers. They decided to escape Cuba and return to America. A man named Carlos Castellan helped them avoid capture by a team of one armed soldiers named after films of questionable quality, as well as a man called General Kasparov. One year later, Nick and Al traveled to Pussy Central in search of a man named Roulette who they called the strongest man in America. They seem to have found him ...

"That's right, old man! Fight me!" says Nick Sparta, rolling his shoulder.

"You call me old man," says Roulette as his cloak falls to the earth. "But you've clearly seen through my disguise!" He wears rags, the armor of his place and time. And he's not old!

Roulette hops into the air and does a split. The reason for this is unclear until you see Nick swinging his fist at him. Roulette lands on his feet and behind him, a sapling slices in half.

"Your technique is interesting," Roulette admits. "But you rely on it too much! Men like us shouldn't need our full strength for a casual spar!"

Nick laughs. "You"

Roulette is in front of him instantly!

"HA!"

Roulette sends a front kick to Nick's gut, but Nick parries and sidesteps! He attacks Roulette's face with his elbow, but Roulette drops to the ground to dodge!

"HO!"

Roulette pushes up with his hands and puts his heel in Nick's face, but Nick leans back! Roulette's body falls to the ground. Nick stomps his extended knee, but Roulette spins ridiculously quickly and sweeps his ankles! Nick hops to dodge, but Roulette plants his heels and charges forward! The sweep was a feint!

"HOHO, GRAND!"

As Nick hovers helplessly in midair, Roulette launches a picture perfect right straight at his chest! But Nick fucking double jumps and backflips away! Roulette is left holding his dick like a faggot!

So he (Roulette) dashes while Nick is still inverted and grabs him around the midsection! He runs forward to smash him into a tree!

"You've fallen into my trap, you fool! ROCKIN' A HARD PLACE!"

The tree is spontaneously goddamn pulverised and Roulette is launched back like he got hit by a truck! The upper part of the tree falls to the ground as the splinters of its trunk rain down on dead leaves. Roulette lands 20 feet away and rolls end over end before landing on his back.

Nick lies on his back as well. His entire body is spasming. His teeth are gritted. Slowly, Roulette stands up as Nick continues to jerk uncontrollably.

"I see," says Roulette, wiping blood from his nose. "You shot out an electromagnetic blast that knocks back anyone near you. But it has two drawbacks. First, you need something on the other side to push off of, like that tree you destroyed. And second," he declares, standing up straight, "you overloaded your nervous system and now you can't move."

Nick balls his fists and continues shaking, as if in response.

"I could attack you at my leisure ... but I don't want to. You might be playing possum to fool me, and besides ..."

Roulette picks up a large stick from the forest floor.

"It's not you I have to attack!!"

He spins and faces the large green sack that Nick was carrying. Its contents are lumpy and dense, and slumped against a tree a hundred feet away. Roulette throws the stick like a spear at the sack! It's going so fast that its surface spontaneously ablates into the shape of a spear! The spear gets within an inch of the bag!

Then it impales it and lodges in the tree trunk behind it!

Nick stops shaking. He goes unconscious. Red goo oozes out of the bag.

"Your relationship with your brother can be an asset, but against a smart opponent it's just twice as much of you to defend. Your mistake was not being able to think ahead of me!"

The sack tears open, and carrots roll out.

"What the!"

Cucumbers and apples and peppers continue to tumble out. Finally, all that's left is an oozing tomato impaled by the spear. Behind Roulette, a dead tree explodes! Al Sparta steps out!

Roulette turns to Al and runs toward him. He throws a perfect hook, but for some reason it falls short! Then Al throws a hook of his own at his face! Roulette leans back, but takes a hit in the face anyway!

"I see," says Roulette, rubbing his cheek. "I guessed your brother's nerve damage wouldn't transfer over to you, and it looks like I was right."

"Brother, I'm a whole different game from Nick!"

"Even if you can still move, I know something now. Your punches are light," Roulette proclaims, putting his fists up. "It doesn't matter how long this goes on. I only need to land one punch!"

[Action Hank]

This is good. Please, more!

[Big Fagot]

Chapter 15: Quantum uncertainty

"Why do you call yourself Roulette?"

"Because I WHEEL kick your ass!"

Al Sparta stands with Nick unconscious behind him. A vertical strip down the front of his face is mildly red, where the tree "hit" Nick.

"My punches are light, huh? Maybe I should show you how I deal with concepts like light and heavy!"

A gust of wind lifts dead leaves from the forest floor. However, in a large ring around Al, they don't move! The wind ruffles their edges and occasionally turns one over, but somehow the dry leaves are too weighty to move!

"I see," says Roulette. "It looks like your range is about 20 or 30 feet. I guessed that your brother's was about the same."

"You don't have time to think about that!" All the leaves around Al suddenly fly up into the air, obscuring vision like a fog! Roulette, surprised, actually takes a step back. Al bursts out of the cluster of leaves and throws a roundhouse kick! Roulette ducks easily, but the kick connects anyway! Roulette, wondering what's happening, looks down and sees his feet aren't touching the ground!

"You can certainly control a fight at close range," Roulette admits, "but as economists say, TINSTAAFL." He looks down at Al's legs; they are bowed out, as if the weight of Roulette's body were on his shoulders.

"There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch," replies Al, liberating himself of his opponent's weight with a soft thud. "You know a lot about economics for a man named Roulette."

"I'm a gambler, but I'm also a banker. I borrow and I repay. Would you like to see what I mean?"

Suddenly, Roulette falls forward! He's pinned to the ground by an enormous force, like a million small weights attached to every molecule of his body! He barely twists his head sideways enough to look up and see Al walking toward him. Al lifts his leg to stomp Roulette's head ...

Roulette explodes upward! A gravity wave, caused by a mass moving in a dense spatial field, throws Al Sparta back! Al backflips once, but quickly stops himself in midair. You don't know who you're dealing with!

Roulette is a fucking inch from his face! He has no chance to react before a right hook connects with his temple!

A few seconds later, he realizes he's on the ground. Nick is lying next to him. His hearing returns, or he becomes cognizant of it; tinnitus, like a pipe organ blasting A sharp next to a white noise machine, overwhelms all other sounds. Dark spots in his vision shrink and grow, combine and split, like the surface of a pool with kids playing at the other end. He looks around and sees Roulette standing at least ten yards away. Roulette's mouth moves. Reading his lips, Al understands the one word: Sledgehammer.



The basics of quantum mechanics are more or less common knowledge among educated adults by this point. Essentially, the world of the extremely small boils with uncertainty. Particles of all kinds pop in and out of existence all the time. Think of it like money; if pennies were constantly appearing and disappearing in your pocket, you'd probably never notice, because having a few 20s in your wallet makes pennies not worth thinking about. Likewise, you're not likely to ever see an entire baseball disappear, because so many particles would have to independently disappear simultaneously, but in the heavily lubricated world of subatomic particles, nobody is keeping count very closely.

As an explanatory sidenote, there are many cases in physics where expending energy can buy you something you would otherwise have to wait for. In aerodynamics, the slower you go between two points, the less energy is lost to air drag; in electronics, transistors can go in reverse, carrying a calculation backward instead of forward, but the more energy you put into it, the less likely this is to happen.

In the same way, if you knew a mechanism to do so, you could spur quantum events that would almost never happen randomly, by expending energy to make them more likely. You could create a preponderance of massive particles all going in one direction, and use them to strike something, for example. Of course, this is just a bit of borrowed momentum, which your body would have to pay back a moment later.



Al Sparta goes unconscious. Nick slowly stands up. His body shakes.

"I see," says Roulette. "Your nerve damage from before has abated, and it looks like that punch affected you a little less than it did your brother, who took it directly."

Nick grabs a tree to prop himself up. "Bastard ..."

[Big Fagot]

Chapter 16: Buying victory

"By affecting probability waveforms en masse, I encourage the formation of huge numbers of 'virtual' massive particles inside my hand which have the same velocity as my fist. For just an instant, at the moment of impact, my punch carries several times its natural mass. It's like getting hit by a chunk of granite!" He slams his fist into his palm. "That's my Sledgehammer blow!"

Nick stands up and basically reacts like Speck after the first time Hanayama punched him. What a punch ... if I took it in the chest, it'd break my ribs; in the stomach, it'd rip up my guts ... but I absolutely can't take another one of those to my head!

"You know you can't take another one of those," quips Roulette. "And you know fighting in close is a risk, so you're probably thinking of fighting at a distance."

Nick's nose is spontaneously smashed in! He coughs and takes two steps back, then doubles over, bleeding into his palm.

"But you're not the only one who can handle himself! A mass of virtual particles, with the proper borrowed momentum, makes plain air as good as a fist. And your range of 30 feet is good, but my range is 50 feet!"

Nick sniffs and wipes his nose.

"So what'll it be?"

Nick walks forward twenty paces and puts up his fists.

"So you've chosen how you want to lose! Very well. I accept! But first ..."

Roulette reaches into his pocket and pulls out two stone arrowheads. He throws them at Nick, who stands still as they pass by on both sides. Then, he feels something. He reaches down and grabs his leg below the knee.

"... I want to make sure you can't run away!"

Nick turns around and sees that the arrowheads hit his brother in both calves! He tears his pant legs and reveals dark spots under his skin. The discolorations expand and become more putrid until the skin rots open, dribbling blood.

Roulette walks forward and puts up his hands. "Now dig in your heels and let's settle this!"

Nick puts up his fists. He throws a jab and misses; Roulette punches him in the mouth.

"You're useless without your ability, Nick Sparta!"

Roulette throws a straight which Nick parries. Nick fires an uppercut that misses, but punches Roulette in the stomach, then follows with a shot to the chin!

Roulette kicks Nick in the stomach, causing him to bend over! He elbows him in the back of the head! Nick rising tackles him to the ground! Roulette pushes him off, but while he tries to get up Nick kicks him in the throat!

"BLARGH!"

Nick extends his open palm to Roulette, who flips over backward. With his opponent on his hands and knees, Nick dropkicks him in the face!!

Nick runs over and lifts up Roulette by the lapel!

"SLEDGEHAMMER!"

It's a left uppercut. It hits him in the gut. The brutal, penetrating force is so intense that in that first pregnant moment, Nick actually wonders if his back is broken. Visceral organs bruise; arteries burst; abdominal muscles cramp instantly. Human languages are not sufficiently powerful to describe how automatic it is for him to collapse to his knees; to do anything else is unthinkable.

But his knees stiffen anyway!

Not yet ... one more!

Nick raises his face pathetically. Roulette rears back and fills his entire field of vision with one massive right fist!

"SLEDGEHAMMER!"

Nick rolls end over end and smashes into a tree. He does not move.

"You thought you had me where you wanted, but you were doing exactly as I planned," declares Roulette. "The moment you stop considering that your opponent might be out-thinking you, the fight is already over!"

He feels a pain in his right hand. Then he feels the same pain in his left hand. He holds up his palms. They both start to bleed.

Suddenly, they both slice in half down the middle! It's the ultimate Vulcan salute! Roulette screams as Al Sparta stands up behind him!

"I couldn't agree more," says Sparta. "We knew you needed those fists, so we took the punches willingly!"

Roulette turns around while making one of those Baki faces where blood and drool and tears are everywhere.

"It wasn't cheap, but we've bought your defeat!"

[Action Hank]

These are really fantastic. I think the current FTUW roster could possibly be the best.

[Big Fagot]

Thanks!

[Big Fagot]

Chapter 17: Frame drag

Roulette somehow (with his mouth, I guess) ties bandages around his bleeding hands.

"Looks like you're out of tricks!"

"I'll finish this right now with my Swiss Army Knife!" spits Roulette, enraged.

Al scratches his head comically. "You're going to beat me with a pocket knife?"

Roulette takes four charging steps forward and then goes airborne! He instantly tucks his body into a cannonball, sailing toward Al.

Huh? Some kind of flying attack?

40 feet away, Roulette's crossed fists obscure his face, leaving only a small slit between his wrists for observing.

A flying kick!

Now 30 feet away, he continues to arc toward Sparta like a cannonball, ballistic and unmoving.

Or is it a punch and I'm just supposed to think it's a kick?

20 feet between them.

No, I destroyed his hands! But it could be an elbow or a headbutt!

10 feet!

It could just be a flying cannonball! Does that even MAKE SENSE AS AN ATTACK??

5 FEET AWAY!

SHIT!

Al panics and ducks! At three feet away, the Swiss Army Knife unfolds! The toe of Roulette's boot scrapes Al's back! A forward toe kick cuts the air where he would have been standing if he hadn't freaked out! The kick connects with a tree behind Al, demolishing it! Roulette lands on his feet as the upper 80% of a large aspen smashes into the earth and collapses! His body jerks forward, like a bow, just briefly.

"You certainly saved yourself with that unorthodox dodge," laments Roulette.

Jesus fuck, no kidding! "That attack isn't something you mastered overnight," says Al, coolly betraying none of his shock at nearly being turned into pudding. "It takes balls to come at your opponent head on like that. But only by doing exactly that can you launch a Sledgehammer with the speed and complete unpredictability of a jab!"

"You figured it out," says Roulette.

"No, there's more. Anyone else who tried to do that would have missed."

Al levitates. He puts his foot to a tree and pushes off. He hangs in place, slowly rotating end over end.

"When you were flying toward me, you had no rotational momentum, so you can't have had any when you kicked. An attack like that shouldn't be possible without the Earth to push off of, as an infinite momentum sink."

He drops to Earth; naturally, his rotation stops.

"You couldn't develop that momentum in midair, so you borrowed it! I saw you pay it back when you landed, that uncontrollable jerk. A formidable delivery system for your ultimate weapon, the Sledgehammer! You should call it MIRV."

"That would only make sense if it were several simultaneous Sledgehammers. But it's good that you're thinking! I guess I'll have to beat your ass some more before I can finish you."

"No, you won't get that chance. It's my turn for an ultimate attack!"

Al tucks his arms to his chest and begins spinning in place. Roulette watches from a distance. "What are you planning?"

The spinning picks up speed.

Roulette becomes cognizant that he's leaning forward just a bit: a sign of a gravitic field pushing him back slightly. "Pushing me away ... so you're afraid to have me near you?"

He walks toward Sparta, picking up a three inch thick log as he goes. He takes it by the end and swings it at Al! The stick bends and breaks without ever touching him!

Al spins with ridiculous speed.

Roulette throws a front kick at Al that is repulsed without connecting. He tries to spear him, but is bounced back and falls on his face. Incensed, he gets up and stands a few feet away. With perfect form, he launches a standing sidekick at Sparta's head.

"SLEDGEHAMMER!"

"FRAME DRAG!"



The most spherical objects that have ever been made by humans were launched into space in April 2004. Four of them, quartz spheres the size of ping pong balls with an astonishing error margin of less than forty atoms, were attached to NASA's Gravity Probe B. The probe was used to test the predictions of Einstein's relativistic theory of gravity.

Specifically, the balls would act as gyroscopes, spinning as the Earth spun under them, while the probe measured changes to their motion. The expected outcome was that they would be slightly accelerated due to an effect called frame dragging. The idea is that space, like batter in a mixing bowl, can be stirred. Drop in a big mass - like the Earth, the experimenters hoped - and spin it, and space around it will spin as well. Relativity actually predicts that it will take light longer to pass around one side of the object than the other!

The results of Gravity Probe B are to be presented at the end of 2007, after the time of this writing. Nonetheless, there is nothing to indicate that any of its findings will contradict the great predictive power of General Relativity, which states that the effects of frame dragging are affected by the density of the field, the speed of rotation, and the shape of the object generating the field. Gravity Probe B was designed with the ambitious goal of measuring very subtle expressions of this principle, but in theory, if you could get a small enough gravitic generator and spin it fast enough, you could see much more visible effects.



Al fully extends both arms! The world around him begins to twist violently and irresistibly! Roulette, caught near the center of the vortex, is unable to get away! He orbits Al, around and around, feeling his joints being separated and his organs grinding against each other! He makes faces like a DBZ villain being killed by an energy blast!

Al Sparta stops spinning and Roulette is sent flying off, landing motionless.

"Double zero," says Al. "House wins, motherfucker."

[Big Fagot]

Chapter 18: Preparations

Around Al Sparta, dust devils stirred up by his Frame Drag noisily rustle dry leaves. Underneath his feet, the ground is not cratered as it would be by a tornado whipping at its surface; rather, it is twisted like the Milky Way, as though it were liquefied, swirled, and refrozen. It looks like Morgan's asshole would if such a thing existed.

Al walks over to Roulette, unconscious, and looks down at him. He smirks.

"SLEDGEHAMMER!"

A lightning fast uppercut hits Al in the chin, snapping his jaw shut with a clack! He collapses to his knees and falls onto his face.

"You weren't careful enough," chastises Roulette, "around a man who can borrow energy from the void." He collapses next to Al. "You need instruction ..."



"Wow, you're right!" says Nick. "This posture is solid!"

Al Sparta is sitting with his legs folded. His elbows are pressed against his knees. With his arms folded across his chest, his hands press up against his shoulders. Nick is pressing his boot against his unconscious brother's back.

"Try it," says Roulette.

Nick puts his weight on Al's back and presses off, bounding upward into the air! He flips and lands on his feet.

"I think it'll work! But ... I don't know if I can do two matches in one night."

"Yes, it will be difficult. Your opponents are Kenjiro Kanzaki and Doolittle. You should be thinking about how to use gravity against vacuums, and photons against wrestling."

"Right!" Nick punches his palm, then falls into Al's arms. Al hoists his brother onto his shoulders. "Slaughter Serenade, here we come!"

[Big Fagot]

I have to say I am really living my dream getting all this physics out of my system.

[Action Hank]

I don't know if its correct or not, but it seems neat.

[Magic Juan]

So there is really only one Sparta split between two bodies?

[Big Fagot]

As an endnote, the preliminary results of the data obtained from Gravity Probe B were coincidentally released on the day I posted that promo. The analysis done so far does indeed confirm General Relativity.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

Nice.