Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Captain PUNisher]

Doolittle
Act I Scene I


The night is cold in George, Washington, cold and raining. It has been raining a lot more in George lately, ever since the city mysteriously moved from Eastern Washington to Western Washington. A crowd walks out of an area and hides under the out-cropping until they can get a cab or buggy to pick them up. Under the out-cropping a dirty young man picks a fight with one of the boxers coming out of the arena.

“Youse think youse so though!?” the urchin says. “Me thinks I could take ya!”

The boxer just chortles and gives the young man a quick jab to discourage his tongue. His tongue can not be stilled though.

“‘Ey everybody, did anya ya feel dat breeze?” the provoking young man asks. “Whoa, it omost blew me ‘at oft!”

The young man then tries to tackle the boxer. His feeble attempt is feeble at best and the boxer pushes him away and plants an uppercut on his chin.

“Go home kid, before you really get hurt” the boxer says. “You’ll just lucky N.E.D. is slightly less violent than the rest of Neo America or else you’d be dead by now.” The boxer then turns to talk to his friends, leaving the filthy boy on the ground.

As the young man picks up his hat, a stranger in glasses comes up to him to offer him some advice.

“‘Ey kid, I’d-a get outta ‘er iffen I werz you. They’s a tec behin’ dat pillar o’er dere, takin’ down evey blessed move youse make.” The stranger says to him.

“Wh ... whaduya mean!?” The young man is scared until he remembers that he is supposed to be cocky and obnoxious. “Sheeeet, show ‘im ta me! I’ll fight ‘im, sheeet!”

“Calm down!” the “tec” says. No one’s going to hurt you!”

“Pssh. Sheet yeah no-uns gonna!” The kid retorts!

“‘Ey! Youse think dat youse can jus spy on peeps like dis!?” the man in glasses scolds.

“I’m just a professor” the professor explains. “I’m just curious about people’s fighting styles.”

“Yeah, well youse sound likea fag ta me!” the man in glasses says, and gives the professor a shove.

“Hey, there’s no need for that” the professor says. “And by the way, how are your people up in Donk Fuck?”

“‘Owdaya know theys come from Donk Fuk!?” the man demands.

“Nevermind that, they do.”

“Well where da Isa come from?” another man askes, and then punches someone for no reason.


“Jew York” the professor answers.

“Well, who said I dinnit?” the man says.

“‘E ain’t a tec, ‘e’s a blooming busy-body.” the man in glasses states. “Tell us where ‘e’s from iffin youse wanna go fortune tellin’” he says, pointing to the boxer.

“Let’s see ...” the professor starts. “Blackland, Combo King, and then ... The Holy Lighting Empire!”

“Quite right!” the boxer says excitedly. “How do you do that!?”

“Simple”

The professor says. “I study fighting styles. You show me someone’s moves and I can tell you what part of Neo America, and the world for that matter, he hails from.”

“Fascinating” the boxer says. “I’m a student of Holy Lighting Empire styles myself. The name’s Pickering author of ‘Pickering’s Guide Through the Fighting Styles of the Holy Lighting Empire’, pleased to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, I’m a big fan of your work, my names Higgins.”

“Pu! More like Faggins who studies fags!” the prick in the glasses yells. “‘Ey, let’s-a get ‘im!”

The guy in the glasses and that other guy and some people with mohawks charge Higgins. He knocks the first two away with punches but he is soon overwhelmed. Pickering and the unkept young man just stare in shock.

Higgins is doing poorly, but it seems like he is holding something back. Finally he decides that if he doesn’t reveal his secret, he might be killed, so he shoves everyone away from him. He zeroes in on the man in the glasses and destroys him with a fierce clothsline! THIS FUCKER KNOWS PRO WRESTLING!

As that other guy comes running at him, Higgins grabs him and hits him with a sidewalk slam!

“Sigh. Why can’t the Neo Americans learn ... to fight?” Higgins wonders outloud as he dropkicks some mohawked motherfucker. “All over the country they use boorish moves like eye poking and shin kicking. See them down in Fear not dropping elbows any where. You know, it’s not like this in other countries. The Mexicans learn their lucador, the Greeks are taught their Greco-Roman, so why can’t the Neo Americans learn to fight?”

Some poor sap is probably thinking the same thing as he gets suplexed by Higgins.

“Arabians can wrestler with the speed of summer lighting” he continues. “Hebrews grappler backword, which is positively frightening! The French ... well the French don’t really care what moves they use, as long as they perform them correctly.”

Higgins stops and realizes that at some point during his spontaneous and unrealistic monologue, he had beaten up everyone who had attacked him, and probably some people who hadn’t. Now that that is taken care of, he can get back to his original business.

“Excuse me young man, what is your name?” Higgins asks the kid who was picking a fight with Pickering.

“What do youse care pops? Youse lookin’ fo’ a boyfrien’!?” the little S.O.B. says.

“I guess it doesn’t matter what your name is” Higgins says. “Pickering, I bet you I could take this gutter snipe here and, using my knowledge of pro wrestling, turn him into a champion in any fighting league.”

“Oh come now Higgins, you’re not serious” Pickering says as the two fighting experts walk away with each other.

“I am very serious” Higgins says. “But enough about that, so, just how many fighting styles are there in the Holy Lighting Empire.”

“I have counted no fewer than 200 distinct styles.” Pickering answers and they walk out of ear shot.

“A champion ...” The Young man mutters to himself. “‘Ey, wait! My name’s-a Doolittle!” But it is too late
_________________
Said the Captain PUNisher.

[Captain PUNisher]

Doolittle
Act I Scene II

Our young hero Doolittle walks through the streets of George saddened by how much a loser he is, but also hopeful.

“Dat genalman says ‘e coul’ make a supersta’ outta me” Doolittle says to himself. “Tink of dat, lil’ole me, a supersta’.”

Doolittle is so lost in his day dream that he walks right into an upstanding businessman.

“Watch were you are going you filthy urchin” the businessman says. “You damn poor people have no ambitions in life do you? I mean, what do you want from life ?”

Doolittle gets pissed off by what this arrogant A-hole is saying to him and he tackles him to the ground and starts to pound on his face.

“All I wants isa ring somewhere ” Doolittle yells. “Witha blue foldin’ chair Oh wooden it be loverly Lots a ponents fo’ me ta beat, lots a feuds makin’ lots a ‘eat! Oh wooden it be loverly!”

He tries to gouge out the businessman’s eyes but so of the other poor people around pull him off.

“Let it son!” one of them says. “‘E ain’t worth et. Commen and lez jus go to da pub an calm down.”

But Doolittle just takes off in a huff.

“Imma goen ta fine me dat pro-fessa, an imma goin’ ta get me ‘is ‘elp!”
_________________
Said the Captain PUNisher.

[Captain PUNisher]

Doolittle
Act I Scene III

“Oh, here we go! This one is exciting. This is one of the earlest examples of magic being used in pro-wrestling” Higgins puts in a tape of that time that Kane shot that fireball at Undertaker but it acidently hit X-Pac who he was friends with because this was before X-Pac slept with that slut Kane was dating, I think it was Tori.

“Yuo certainly do have an extensive collection here” you Pickering says. “How did you get all this?”

“I’ve collected them over the years” Higgins says. “I used to be a professor of grapplology at Evergreen State University as well as a free lance consultant.”

“And you make a living doing that?” Pickering asks.

“Yes, quite a good one actually” Higgins says. “Well, that is to say I did, before everyone seemed to forget about pro wrestling...”

“Pardon me sir” Higgins’ butler walks into the room. “I’m sorry to interrupt your whistfulness sir, but there is a young gentleman to see you.”

“What? Oh sure, let him in” Higgins says.

“‘Ey fag!” Doolittle yells. “Youse said youse coul’ makea champon outta da likes a me! Well, Isa here ta tell youse ta put up or suck it!”

“Oh” Higgins says. “This guy?”

“Should I see him out, sir?” the butler asks.

“‘Ey asshole!” Doolittle snaps. “Didya tell da ‘fessa dat Isa drove up inna taxi cab?”

“Hardly” the butler says. “What would professor Higgins care what you drove up in?”

“Say Higgins,” Pickering say. “I think I’ll take you up on your offer. I bet you that you can’t turn this young man into a superstar. I’ll bet you the expenses of the experiment that you can’t!”

“Well,” Higgins says. “You’re on! Okay kid, it looks like you are in luck, I’ll train you!”

“Tank ya sur!” Doolittle says. “Wen do-e start?”

“Right now!” Higgins says as he dropkicks Doolittle. “Let’s see what you’ve got!”

Doolittle tackles Higgins and gives him the same sloppy punches he gave that businessman. When that doesn’t seem to work he goes for Higgins’ eyes.
“Haha” Higgins laughs. “Gauge away! You can gauge away, stay all day if you want to but it’s not going to do you any good, because pro-wrestling will always beat dirty street-fighting. Here, I’ll show you what you should be doing.”

[I’m going to pretend that this takes place a week before I posted it and so Doolittle has been training for a week before the (not)PPV]
_________________
Said the Captain PUNisher.