Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Yogurtman]

As one of the approximately 12 people who own season tickets for the Minnesota Timberwolves, I feel that it is my duty to chronicle these EPIC CONTESTS for those who aren't fortunate enough to be able to attend. I'm really not a huge NBA fan, so don't expect any hard-hitting analysis! Mostly I just plan on making fun of Darko a lot.

[Yogurtman]

Game 1: vs Sacramento Kings, Wednesday 10/27

The angle on this game, of course, is that Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins is the foundation the Wolves almost could have had, if the last couple drafts had gone a little differently. I think that's more of a made-up media angle, though; the REAL story of this game is that I wasn't there because I went to go see Roger Waters perform The Wall. I think I made the correct decision.

P.S. The Wolves lost.

[Yogurtman]

Game 2: vs Milwaukee Bucks, Friday 10/29

Alright, now the season starts for real! Given that I'm writing this two weeks after the fact, I'm going to be just throwing out random things I remember as opposed to forming a cohesive narrative of any kind.

- Brandon Jennings got to the basket at will in the first quarter and was in double figures almost immediately, then vanished entirely for the rest of the game. It was pretty strange, because I don't think the Wolves are capable of locking down on anyone defensively; they just decided to run their offense through Corey Maggette for the rest of the night.

- I posted about this already in the SPORTS THREAD, but I really am amazed that Yogurtwoman picked out Darko as a tragic/depressing figure within about five minutes of the first quarter. I have a feeling he already regrets not going back to Europe this offseason.

- I think Corey Brewer stole his legs from a concentration camp survivor. What the hell? It's almost freakish looking.

- Wes Johnson isn't a superstar or anything, but he almost immediately became the most entertaining guy on the team! His jumper is super-smooth and he has preposterous leaping ability, and those are both skills in which the Wolves have been sorely lacking.

- I really like the way everyone lives up to what I stereotypically expect them to do based on Bill Simmons columns. For example, did Sebastian Telfair sail a no-look pass into the third row trying to pretend he's still on Coney Island? Of course he did, he's Sebastian Telfair.

At the end of the day, the Wolves win 96-85 by outrebounding the Bucks by a semiludicrous 62-39 margin. Good times!

[Yogurtman]

Game 3: vs Atlanta Hawks, Friday 11/5

I am only going to be writing about home games, because the Wolves on the road are basically a train wreck. For example, in the week between games two and three, they lost a game to Memphis where they committed 30 turnovers, lost to Miami by 32, and lost to Orlando by a franchise-record 42. When you set a franchise record for badness, and your history is as bad as the Wolves' has been, that really says a lot.

So, back at home to face the Hawks! The highlight for the Wolves was Wes Johnson draining a bunch of threes, but that was pretty much overshadowed by the fact that Atlanta's Josh Smith is a god damn escapee from the Matrix. At one point somebody (I think Beasley) faked him out, he jumped too soon to contest the shot, Beasley jumps to shoot as Smith is coming down, and then Smith DOUBLE JUMPED like god damn Alucard and swatted it away. He just assraped the Wolves throughout the entire game, on both ends of the floor.

The other thing that really struck me during this game is that Darko's offensive game is really just a crime scene. He is fucking unfathomably bad. I think at this point (through 6 games) he was shooting 14% for the season. Just an unending array of bricked layups and hook shots bouncing off the front of the rim.

Overall, the Wolves managed to keep it close, but ended up falling 113-103. The Hawks are pretty good, so that is semirespectable...I guess.

[Yogurtman]

Game 4: vs New York Knicks, Friday 11/12

Well, we've had a couple developments since the last game. One is that Luke Ridnour got hurt, so Bassy Telfair is now the only point guard on our roster. This is not a good thing. The other, more positive development is that Michael Beasley scored 42 points in a road win against the Kings and almost burst into flames like an NBA Jam character. I really think he might be turning things around! He also seems very passionate/fired up, so hopefully that means he has cut back on the weed.

Back at home to face the Knicks, it is time for the perfect storm of ridiculous rebounding:

- The Wolves and Knicks both want to play at an extremely fast pace, meaning a lot of shots are going up
- Amare is a shitty rebounder anyway, and then he got in foul trouble and basically totally noshowed to the point that in the third quarter I was wondering if he had accidentally stayed in New York
- The Wolves miss a shit ton of layups and other short shots (thanks again Darko, and also on this particular night Kevin Love)

All this contributed to Kevin Love posting a batshit insane line of 31-31-5, the first time anyone has had a 30-30 night in the NBA since I was six months old. Beasley also followed up his 42 point night by scoring 35 and basically looking like a dude who actually deserved to be a #2 overall pick. This seems like a good time to post the official Michael Beasley YouTube clip, courtesy of the Bluth family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emgXwYWqd9Y

Beas indeed. Gob may not be on board, but at this point I think I definitely am! This game really was extremely exciting; even leaving aside Love's preposterous stats, the Wolves came back from being down 21 in the third quarter and by the end of the game they were just blowing the Knicks off the court. Wolves win 112-103 and everyone goes home happy.

[8 bit orgy]

I want Alucard on my team.


However, I'll just settle for Dwight Howard.

[Magic Juan]

Yogurtman, please keep doing this!

[My Head Hurts 90]

How good are your seats and what did you pay for them?

I might scrounge up some half season tickets for Sixers games since they're in a similar boat.

[MADali]

I prefer to hear about your Roger Waters experience.

[Yogurtman]

They're upper deck, about 1/3 of the way up, behind the Wolves bench. So they aren't great tickets, but they're decent (at least they are along the long side of the court). And they were only $215 each for the entire freaking season.


The Roger Waters concert was pretty amazing; I would rate it as the best show I've ever been to. It's the first time I've ever been to a big arena show where every single fan was on their feet for the entire 2 1/2 hours. It's also the first time I've been EMOTIONALLY MOVED by a rock concert. He definitely makes the "war is bad" case in a very convincing fashion.

[8 bit orgy]

$215 for an entire fucking NBA season. That's worth it just to see the OPPOSING team. Fuck just to see DONKEY KONG DWIGHT HOWARD is $40 for nosebleed seats.

[Yogurtman]

Game 5: vs LA Clippers, Wednesday 11/17

God. Or rather, Go, because D played NO ROLE IN THIS GAME. Anyway, I was expecting the Clippers to suck balls because they have Ryan Gomes, Craig Smith, and Randy Foye on their team, and no team that signs THREE former Wolves can possibly be good. However, they definitely appear to have some up and coming talent!

Based on Simmons raving about him on Twitter, I thought Eric Bledsoe might be good, but he did nothing whatsoever other than commit several hilarously stupid fouls. However, Eric Gordon was a machine offensively; he was draining threes throughout the first half and then starting driving to the basket at will in the second. It helped that he was almost never defended; the Clippers attempted at least eight threes with no Wolves player within 10-15 feet of the shooter.

And then there's Blake Griffin, who had 26 points and 17 boards and was ridiculously impressive. It's not just that he kept scoring, it was the WAY he scored. I think he shot one jumper in the entire game; all his other shots were dunks or layups, but he never jumped from anywhere near the basket. He would launch from somewhere well outside the paint and basically fly over the entire Timberwolves front line. He slowed down a lot in the second half, but just based on his first half performance I am giving him the inaugural Beast Fuck Award, meaning he is officially the best visiting player I have seen so far this season. Although the Lakers are coming to town Friday, so he might not keep it for long.

But enough about the Clippers! They fucking suck anyway. Let's talk about Darko executing his first actual low-post move of the season! He completely faked his defender out, did a nice spin move and jammed home a massive dunk. It was totally unexpected, the crowd collectively shat their pants, and the Clips actually had to call a timeout. Because of Darko!

Also, Michael Beasley is good. Really good. I think it's safe to call it a trend at this point. He hits the game-winner with 2.3 seconds left, and the Wolves win 113-111.

[8 bit orgy]

Oh wow, they won, pfffff. Way to be a buzz kill.



I remember a few years ago they said Blake Griffin is comparable to Lebron and everyone collectively balked. He's actually more like a Dwight Howard presence with Dwayne Wade-like reflexes. People would be talking about him more if they had an opportunity to give him a quick eye test.

[Yogurtman]

He really wore down a lot over the course of the game (as in, he had 26 points, and 20 or 22 were in the first half), and you can tell he's a rookie and doesn't totally know what he's doing, but his raw talent/athleticism is insane.

After giving it some more thought, Eric Gordon was probably actually BETTER than Griffin, but Griffin was much more impressive, if that makes sense.

[Yogurtman]

It's going to be awesome in March when this thread has 100 posts and all of them are by either me or Frank.

[8 bit orgy]

Who the fuck watches basketball? But more than that, people should appreciate references that compare athletic talent to wild fantasy media.

[Yogurtman]

Game 6: vs Los Angeles Lakers, Friday 11/19

Well, the Lakers are the best team in the NBA, so I wasn't expecting a win here. I was hoping for a close game, but unfortunately I was disappointed from that standpoint as well.

The one thing that really set the Lakers apart from the other teams I've seen this season is the fact that they play defense. I mean, everyone other than the Knicks and Golden State plays SOME kind of defense, but the Lakers played totally stifling defense at all times. I really thought the talent discrepancy was much more noticeable on that end of the court. There were just a ridiculous number of instances of Lakers steal - ball is hurled to wide-open Laker streaking down the court - uncontested dunk.

It was a fun game to attend, though, because I got to rip on Kobe. He is absolutely as douchebaggy in person as you would expect him to be. He also whined to the refs probably more than ALL other players combined that I have seen this year. That being said, he did make a couple absurd plays that forced me to say "OK. Fine. You really are that good."

The one highlight of the night was ...

(I feel this needs some buildup) ...

Darko completely owned Pau Gasol.

DARKO COMPLETELY OWNED PAU GASOL!!!!!!

It was fucking incredible. Darko was basically scoring at will in the low post, and he kept blocking Gasol's shots, and I really have no idea how this happened. He put up 23 points, 16 boards, and 6 blocks and basically had the best game of his career. Gasol ended up with 16 points but they almost all came from shooting free throws in the second half after the game was decided. He had fucking 2 points in the first half, and 8 through three quarters.

The best player for the Lakers was Matt Barnes. I feel like this says a lot about the relative quality of the two teams. Matt Barnes would start for the Timberwolves. For the Lakers he's like their #7 guy. So yeah, this game ended up being an asswhipping, but if it means Darko becomes competent going forward I am OK with that.

Lakers win 112-95.

[Yogurtman]

Oh yeah, Kevin Love scored zero points. That was depressing.

[My Head Hurts 90]

I might have to start occasionally watching these games because I refuse to believe that Darko can be a competent basketball player.

[Yogurtman]

It's very strange, he was an unbelievable train wreck for the first six or seven games, and yet tonight he completely dominated one of the top big men in the NBA.