Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Big Fagot]

Witches are so gay!

[Action Hank]

Dun. Dun dun dun. Dun. Dun. Dun dun dun. Dun. Drums made from hubcaps and human skin beat into the afternoon, calling everyone to Murderfest at the Dueling Pit.

The Dueling Pit is a round multi-tiered pit built behind Bonefucker's fortress. Its walls and floors are made from pressed dirt and blood, and covered in buzzing flies. Fights occur on the bottom level, while onlookers watch from the other three tiers, each separated by loosely spaced spears made from shredded car hoods. To deter interferences, a cage made from barbed wire covers the top of the pit from the next tier. Each tier is ten feet from the next.

An area of the closest tier to the fighting floor is closed off from the public. Two thrones similar to those inside the fortress have the best view of the fighting.

The rules of a Murderfest are straight forward. There are two teams, BLOOD and FLOWERS. A predetermined number of fighters from each team battle out in matches for the glory of the Kingdom of Bonefucker, and each victory gives a team one point. At the end of the day, the team with the most points wins. In other words, the team left alive.

Under the dueling pit lies the bloodworks, where members of each team train and spar, and where “surgeons” practice shoddy medicine without anesthetics on ravaged goons. Here, Vic Powers Jr, the ILLUSTIONIST, is led by members of the FLOWERS team to his locker. As he walks by training goons, they look up from hacking at each other with their mutated bodies—some are excited, some are angry, others are lobotomized so they just drool and punch.

And it is here that I first see him, though it would be many months before our paths would cross again and I would join him on his journey and long before he would share his tale with me. My locker is next to his, and when two of the best members of FLOWERS, Brutus and Cladius drop him off, he looks confused like a mouse. I admit, I am unimpressed with this man. I couldn’t believe that he had fought in the same ring as monsters like Handsomous or Theldorrin. He was slouched over and jumpy, and he held a skull closely to his chest. As the Murderfest began above, he applied shoe polish to his face to create a mustache above his lips.

The leader of FLOWERS is a heavily scarred bald Irishman named Flanagan McDonnel who has large amounts of red hair growing on his MASSIVE forearms. In fact, his arms are shaped like a well known cartoon sailor, he had been given the nickname, Popeye the Murderman. He walks over to Vic and slaps him on the back and lets out one of his hearty laughs.

“You better hope they don’t kill you up there,” Popeye says, “cause I don’t like ta’ lose.”

“I’ll try my best,” Vic says. He places the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL into the locker and sits down. Flashbacks of FTUW run through his head, the nightmare of the battle. The nightmare of the monsters he had to face.

There is the sound of a gong.

“We’re on,” Popeye says, slapping the ILLUSIONIST on the back again. “Though you’re a bit later, laddie. I hear you’re up against Percy in the first round.”

“Percy? That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK! If his fists don’t tear you apart, than his poetry will make ya puke.”
Popeye laughs again and walks away towards a goon giant who’s chained to the wall and being beaten to fury by other members of FLOWERS.

“Fantastic,” the ILLUSIONIST says to the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL. “I thought we escaped that nightmare, but it hasn’t ended, has it?”

The skull doesn’t say anything back, but Vic acts as if it does. And then it was my turn to fight, my turn for a brief bit of glory in those dark days of death and destruction. The days of high adventure!

[Big Fagot]

Is "beaten to fury" an actual turn of phrase?

[Action Hank]

No.

It would probably make more sense to be "beaten into a fury".

All that matters is that they are getting the giant all pissed off and ready to fight, sort of like how, in movies, they anger dogs by beating them and then releasing them to attack the first thing they see.

[Action Hank]

Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK enters the pit first. He's dressed in frilly clothing and his hair is rolled into plaits. He stands effeminately and winks at a few women in the audience, now and then powdering his face with arsenic.

He's also an overly muscular 7-foot 5' monster whose rolls of thick vein-popping muscles bulge out from his dainty clothing. Fuck, the veins look like FUCKING CHAINS!

He roars to the cheers from the audience. Then he clears his throat and speaks with a very womanly voice:

"Drive my dead thoughts over the universe
Like withered leaves to quicken a new birth!
And, by the incantation of this verse,
Scatter, as from an unextinguished hearth
Ashes and sparks, my words among mankind!"

The audience GOES FUCKING NUTS!!

Then they quiet down, waiting in anticipation for the opponent. They wait EAGERLY FOR THE ILLUSIONIST. Fathers lift their shit-covered ugly children onto their shoulders to look over the crowds as they crowd around the edge of each tier. An unlucky few get too close, and are sliced by the sharp metal spikes or fall onto the cage where they are pelted with rocks.

The door from the bloodworks at last opens and the ILLUSIONIST is pushed out. He humbly walks in, holding his hat against his chest with his hands. Then he sees his opponent and his knees begin to buckle.

THE AUDIENCE AGAIN GOES FUCKING NUTS and then Bonefucker speaks:

"It is our honor to have such a distinguished guest fight in OUR MURDERFEST!"

THE AUDIENCE ERUPTS LIKE HOT MOLTEN ROCKS BURSTING FROM DICK MOUNTAIN!

"And who better to battle than the champion of TEAM BLOOD!"

Half the audience begins to chant, BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! Or the ever popular, "THIS BATTLE IS ABOUT BLOOD!"

"NOW LET THE FIGHT BEGIN!"

Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK cracks his neck in preparation and grins.

"My name is Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"

He rushes at Vic---who is nothing but a shadow against a massive falling mountain. The audience holds its collective breath----as one of the ShellSHOCK's mighty fists crashes into the dirt, FILLING THE AIR WITH FUCKING BITS OF DIRT AND DUST!

Vic leaps away, rolling across the floor of the pit, and slips across a pool of blood, landing on his back and legs against the opposing wall.

"It's just like the FTUW, all over again," he thinks. "Come on, Vic, pull yourself together. You survived that, you can survive this!"

THE ILLUSIONIST uprights himself just as ShellSHOCK turns around. The beast runs his hands through his locks and flashes a charming MONSTROUSLY HIDEOUS GRIN! ShellSHOCK PUNCHES HIS FUCKING FIST INTO THE WALL AND TEARS OUT A CHUNK.

"Oh, lift me as a wave, a leaf, a cloud!
I fall upon the thorns of life! I bleed!"

HE TOSSES THE EARTH AT VIC, who can only raise his arms in defense. IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE EARTH AS IT HITS. IT FEELS LIKE A FUCKING ROCK! Vic flails backward against the wall and grasps at his sore arms.

"Not good," he thinks. "Not good at all. Concentrate."

A massive fist lands on Vic's right cheek and he's again sailing through the air. He can feel and taste blood trickling down his throat from his jaw. ShellSHOCK raises a massive leather pennyloafer and CRASHES IT DOWN on Vic's back. THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS OUT IN PAIN AND AGONY!

"I ask the Earth, have not the mountains felt?
I ask yon Heaven, the all-beholding Sun,
Has it not seen? The Sea, in storm or calm,
Heaven's ever-changing shadow, spread below,
Have its deaf waves not heard my agony?
Ah me! alas, pain, pain ever, forever!"

He stomps again and again, the soft leather landing WITH THE FORCE OF TWO G'S INTO VIC'S LOWER BACK!!! HOW THE FUCK IS HIS VERTEBRAE NOT SPLITTING IN TWO?!?!?!

ShellSHOCK steps back and raises his arms to the crowd. Several severely dirty pairs of panties fall on his face. It's really gross. Then he lowers a shoulder as Vic struggles to his feet. The audience begins to chant, recognizing the attack:

"SHELLSHOCKER! SHELLSHOCKER! SHELLSHOCKER!"

Vic staggers, he looks drunk. He's covered in dirt and bits of blood are dribbling from the edges of his mouth.

"Too simple, far too simple," Bonefucker says to Silvertongue. "I guess I will not have to fight this wretch, after all."

Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK rushes forward, shoulder extended outward for A VICIOUS GORE! HE COLLIDES WITH VIC'S ARMS, AND DRIVES HIM STRAIGHT INTO THE WALL!!! THERE IS A TREMENDOUS THUD AND CRASH AND THE AIR IS FILLED WITH DIRT AND DUST!!!!!!!!

ShellSHOCK steps back, wiping the dust off his fancy clothing. THEN THE FUCKING DUST CLEARS!!! THE ILLUSIONIST IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN! INSTEAD, THERE IS A WALL OF CARDS WHERE THE ILLUSIONIST SHOULD BE!!!!

The audience grows silent and still.

THE FUCKING WALL OF FUCKING CARDS EXPLODES AND THE CARDS SHOOT OUTWARD AT TREMENDOUS SPEEDS, SLICING THROUGH ANYTHING THEY TOUCH. ARMS AND LEGS FLY INTO THE AIR FROM UNLUCKY AUDIENCE MEMBERS. Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK, caught unaware, barely had time to dodge. CARDS LODGE THEMSELVES INTO HIS INHUMAN LAYER OF MUSCLES!

Where the cards stood, NOW THE ILLUSIONIST HAS REAPPEARED!!!! But there is something different about him. He stands upright and full of confidence, his arms extended from the attack. His hat sits off center from his head IN A FUCKING COOL WAY!!!!

Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK rushes again, but THE ILLUSIONIST clasps his hands like he's praying AS FUCKING THOUSANDS OF WHITE DOVES FLY OUT FROM BEHIND HIM!!!!!!!! THEY SWOOP IN THE AIR AND THEN DIVEBOMB ShellSHOCK who screams like a little girl as they SUDDENLY FLY INTO HIS OPEN MOUTH!!!!!

In the midst of the attacking birds, THE ILLUSIONIST rushes forwards and grabs the end of Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK's frilly sleeve. He pulls gently at it and THE SLEEVE BECOMES A FUCKING HANDKERCHIEF!! THE ILLUSIONIST PULLS AND PULLS BUT THE HANDKERCHIEF KEEPS COMING AND COMING!!!! SOON ITS NOT CLOTH AT ALL BUT SKIN!!! Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK IS STILL FUCKING SWALLOWING THE THOUSANDS OF BIRDS WHEN THE ILLUSIONIST GIVES ONE GOOD TUG AND ALL OF Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK'S SKIN IS TORN OFF!!!!!
But his hair stays!! It's magic!

By now, he's swallowed all the birds. Woozy, he falls to one knee as THE ILLUSIONIST steps over and THRUSTS HIS HAND INTO THE MOUTH OF Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK AND PULLS OUT A FUCKING SWORD!

THEN HE STABS HIM THE FUCKING HEART.

The giant explodes. All that remains is a large white egg in the center of the dueling pit. The ILLUSIONIST walks over to it, taps it with the sword and it cracks open. A miniature version of Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK is inside. The ILLUSIONIST slices him with the sword and there is another egg! It cracks open and a tiny Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK is inside. The ILLUSIONIST repeats one more time, but this time, inside the small egg is a single white dove that flies up into the sky and vanishes into drifting white clouds.



THE CROWD EXPLODES!!!!

[Action Hank]

I think the crowd goes fucking nuts twice and explodes three times.

[Action Hank]

From his throne, Lord Julian Bonefucker watches with horror as ShellSHOCK is defeated. He is speechless, though his words could never be heard above the deafening cheers of the crowd.

Lady Ravenhair had been standing the entire match, pressed against the metal cage that protected them from the crowd. Her hair, flowing in the breeze and her lips puckered. Bodyguards watch them both, carefully. One, black and humped, seems more relaxed than the others.

Silvertongue is pacing, frantically.

Finally the audience calms down.

"My Lord," Silvertongue says. "Say something!"

Bonefucker stands, his legs a bit wobbly. He was losing control of things. This kingdom of his only existed because other, more powerful ones ignored it. It was insignificant, and so the perfect place to quietly raise an army to take an entire state. But this ILLUSIONIST would change that. He had to end this.

"Bravo!" he shouts, regaining composure. He would have to end this himself. "Team FLOWER is now ahead by 1 point."

Cheers. Boos.

"It is time for the final. And what a final we shall have, today. I shall personally enter the pit! But I shall not enter alone. No, today is a special day, so we shall have special, final match worth 2 points!"

CHEERS!

"A TWO ON TWO BATTLE! THE ILLUSIONIST AND POPEYE THE MURDERMAN SHALL FACE MYSELF AND THE STAPLER!"

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!

From out of the shadows behind the throne steps THE STAPLER! He is dressed in the garb of a guard, however he wears only a vest that is intricately carved with dragons and shit, and a helmet made of chrome instead of bronze that covers his face. His arms are massive, but it is his hands that have given him his name. THEY ARE LIKE TWO MASSIVE CLAMPS THAT CAN APPLY SUCH TREMENDOUS PRESSURE THAT THEY CAN CRUSH AND FUSE THINGS TOGETHER!

The audience is surprised since THE STAPLER, having never lost a battle, had been elevated to the captain of Bonefucker's guard!

The ILLUSIONIST, breathing heavily and looking very tired clutches his ribs and looks up.

"We shall begin in fifteen minutes! Until then, enjoy a BATTLE OF ANIMALS!"

Bonefucker removes his cape and flexes, and then is escorted out of his box. Silvertongue walks over to a guard and whispers something into his ear. The guard nods and follows Bonefucker.

"Why so distressed, my lady," Silvertongue asks, stepping over to Ravenhair. "Your lord will be victorious. Do not fear for his life."

"Yeah, sure," she says.

She turns and goes back to her throne. It is then she notices that the black hunchback is missing.

In the pit, the ILLUSIONIST is gone. In his place are a pack of coyote's battling a giant tortoise and several feral cats. And a hawk.

[Big Fagot]

I don't know how you would make a hawk fight a coyote nor can I guess who would win.

[Action Hank]

The ILLUSIONIST stumbles back into the bloodworks. His chest is on fire and his back aches. One of the makeshift "surgeons" puts down a bottle of vodka long enough to look over the bruises.

"Looks fine," the surgeon says, poking at a hole in the ILLUSIONIST's suit where a bit of rib is sticking out. Then he pukes a bit. "I hate the sight of blood!" He takes a swig and staggers off.

SUDDENLY SOMEONE FROM THE FUCKING SHADOWS PUNCHES VIC RIGHT IN THE CHEST PUSHING THE RIB RIGHT BACK INTO THE CORRECT SPOT! Popeye the Murderman laughs a bit as he pulls back his fist.

"Didn't catch the fight, but sounded good," Popeye says.

His oversized forearms are so cartoonish! There is a tattoo on the right forearm---a tattoo that Vic has seen before. After he spits up some blood and thanks the captain of TEAM FLOWERS, he points at it.

"That----that----the BORGATA!" Vic says.

"Yes sir, it is," Popeye says in his Irish ways. "I used to be a bouncer. Before---you know."

"Well, I don't know," Vic says. "I'm still new to all this. BUT THAT STORY IS FOR A LATER TIME!

(COMING SOON: AN ABORTION OF MAGIC---A THE ILLUSIONIST SIDE STORY)

But my father worked in the Borgata. Perhaps you know him. His name was VICTOR POWERS SR?"

Popeye thinks for a moment, and then starts to laugh.

"That old conman? Yes, I knew him. Had to personally kick 'im out a few times. He had a job as a dealer, but he was really workin' with this other fella---"

THERE IS THE SOUND OF A GONG!!!!

"We'll chat later," Popeye says. "TIME TO FUCKING FIGHT!" He grabs a beer from fucking nowhere and FUCKING POUNDS IT DOWN! Then he slaps Vic in the back---causing great pain to Vic's injured body---and they walk up the ramp and into the DUELING PIT. However----

Popeye seems a little out of sorts.

PERHAPS HIS FUCKING BEER WAS POISONED!!!!

[Seru]

Uh oh!

[Action Hank]

It's nearing sunset, and so torches have been lit around the edges of the Dueling Pit in preparation for the coming dusk.

"WELCOME TO OUR FINAL MATCH OF THE NIGHT!" Silvertongue shouts into a microphone. "SO FAR, TEAM FLOWERS IS AHEAD BY 1 POINT! HOWEVER, THIS FINAL BATTLE IS WORTH TWO POINTS! WINNER TAKES ALL!"

The audience cheers.

"AND SO, ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU READY TO FEED YOUR UNDYING APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION? TO FEED THAT DESIRE FOR BLOOD? FOR BREAKING BONES? FOR CRUSHED PELIVISES? FOR THE SOUNDS OF THE HELPLESS CRYING OUT IN PAIN? FOR THE SUFFERING TO HAVE THEIR FUCKING HEADS CAVED IN BY THICK STEEL-TOED BOOTS AND SKULL FUCKED BY BEER BOTTLES?"

The audience nods.

"SO, LET ME INTRODUCE, FIRST FROM TEAM FLOWERS---THE CAPTAIN AND CURRENTLY MOST WINNING ACTIVE FIGHTER---THE HUMAN IRISH CAR BOMB---POPEYE THE MURDERMAN!!!"

The audience lets out Popeye's battle cry:

"HE'S POPEYE THE MURDERMAN! HE'S POPEYE THE MURDERMAN! HE'LL TEAR OFF YOUR HEAD, TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE DEAD! HE'S POPEYE THE MURDERMAN!"

Popeye appears from the FLOWERS entrance. He stumbles as if severely drunk---which is usually the case in these matches. So the audience notices nothing out of the ordinary.

"AND HIS PARTNER, FROM THE PILE OF RUBBLE FORMALLY KNOWN AS ATLANTIC CITY---THE ILLUSIONIST!!"

Pile of rubble? PILE OF RUBBLE?

"What does he mean, Popeye?"

The audience goes nuts, still remembering the FUCKING INTENSE ending of the previous battle. Vic enters slowly, holding his sore side and broken rib with one hand, and his sore and busted up back with his other. Dried blood is caked around his fake mustache, making it appear red.

"Sorry, but it's gone. Blown to shit."

SUDDENLY THE FUCKING TORCHES GO OUT!! A SPOTLIGHT SHINES DOWN AT ENTRANCE TO TEAM BLOOD!

"AND FROM TEAM BLOOD---A VERY SPECIAL GUEST FIGHTER THIS EVENING. YOU KNOW HIM. YOU LOVE TO WATCH HIM 'PUT THE SQUEEZE OF DEATH' ON HIS OPPONENTS---THE GREATEST FIGHTER IN DUELING PIT HISTORY (ALL OF ITS GLORIOUS 2 YEARS), THE STAPLER!"

People start making clicking noises as the heavily tattooed, oddly dressed warrior rushes out onto the floor. He raises his hands to the air, and Vic notices that THEY ARE FUCKING HUGE. LIKE THEY SHOULD BELONG TO THE END OF POPEYE THE MURDERMAN'S MUTATED FOREARMS!

The Stapler cracks his knuckles. THE SOUND IS SO FUCKING LOUD AND DISGUSTING THAT HALF THE AUDIENCE SHITS THEIR PANTS!

"AND, I AM PROUD TO PRESENT---YOUR MASTER OF MAYHEM. YOUR LORD OF DESTRUCTION. THE GUY YOU PAY YOUR TAXES AND OFFER YOUR VIRGIN DAUGHTERS TO BY FORCE---YOU KNOW HIM! YOU LOVE HIM (BECAUSE WE TELL YOU TO!)---LORD JULIAN BONEFUCKER!"

Bonefucker emerges, wearing a THICK AND SHINY LAYER OF ARMOR! He flexes over and over again, AND THE FUCKING THICK ARMOR EXPLODES!! SHRAPNEL FLIES ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE cutting up audience members. One piece lodges right into Popeye's left arm!!!! THE ILLUSIONIST barely dodges out of the way and one lands comically close to his crotch!

"Popeye!" THE ILLUSIONIST shouts in alarm. He rushes to his partner's side. "Are you okay?"

Popeye is looking very pale. LIKE FUCKING JET LI DID WHEN POISONED IN FEARLESS!!!!!! A bit of bluish liquid dribbles from the side of his mouth.

"Fuck, I'll be okay!" he says. "Come on. We gotta fight, for the glory of TEAM FLOWERS!"

For no particular reasons there is a montage of dead Team FLOWERS members that we have never seen before, nor that we care about. A tear forms in the corner of Popeye's eye.

"FOR TEAM FLOWERS!" he shouts, and FINDS THE FUCKING STRENGTH TO STAND UP AND READY HIMSELF FOR BATTLE!!! HE PULLS THE FUCKING PIECE OF SHRAPNEL OUT OF HIS ARM LIKE IT WAS NOTHING!

"Now, just pull out some of that shit you used to beat ol' ShellSHOCK and we'll coast by."

"Well," the ILLUSIONIST says, looking downtrodden. "I can't."

"What do you mean you can't? From what I hear, you completely destroyed that fucking monstrous git."

"I JUST CAN'T!" Vic shouts!!!! "FOR REASONS (THAT WILL BE REVEALED IN THE EXCITING AND THRILLING SIDE STORY, THE ABORTION OF MAGIC!) I CANNOT SHARE NOW!"

"Then, we're dead, mate."

Silvertongue begins to shout again:

"LET THE FINAL BATTLE BEGIN! FOUR MEN ENTER. I GUESS BETWEEN 1 AND 2 MEN LEAVE, AS LONG AS THEY ARE ON THE SAME TEAM!"

THE FIGHT FUCKING BEGINS!

[Action Hank]

The Stapler walks slowly towards Popeye. The ILLUSIONIST runs off and backs against the wall.

"i...m....going to.....staple......YOUR LIFE!" he says. His voice is raspy behind his mask.
"u....think.....u......r.....so strong. but....u...shallll......feel....my....GRASP!!!"

Popeye, despite finding his spirit, is very pale and wobbling. The Stapler cracks his knuckles, then spreads his arms.

"gwah....gwah....gwah....time....for.....payback. payback......of......DEATH!!"

HIS ARMS SWING INWARD TOWARDS POPEYE'S HEAD AND THERE IS A SICKENING CRUUUUNNNNCCH! SOUND!!!!!!!

The ILLUSIONIST uncovers his eyes and breathes a sigh of relief. Popeye has blocked the CRUSHING BLOW with his massive forearms.

"You forget, Staples, of who put you in that mask." Popeye is smiling, and although a bit of blood dribbles down the side of his mouth, his eyes open wildly!

"GWWWWWWWAAAA.....gwah." The Stapler says.

POPEYE FUCKING TWIRLS AROUND AND FLINGS A RIGHT ARM OUT AND THE STAPLER BARELY GETS OUT OF THE WAY. IT CRASHES AGAINST THE WALL AND PULVERIZES A CHUNK.

"Don't forget this is two on two!" a THICK FIST rises and SMASHES POPEYE RIGHT IN THE BALLS! SHIT, IT'S BONEFUCKER! That asshole not only poisoned the captain of team FLOWERS, but FIGHTS DIRTY!!! HE'S SUCH A DICK!

Popeye's eyes roll and he stumbles backwards and onto the ground, holding his crotch. He starts shouting all these Irish curses and starts muttering in Gaelic but fuck if I'm looking that shit up. I should have just left the fucker as American. FUCK ACCENTS AND SHIT!

ANYWAY the Stapler leaps and punches out his arms---AND THEY SEEM TO FUCKING EXTEND LIKE DHALSIM (or more accurately, the Indian fighter from Master of the Flying Guillotine that Dhalsim is based on). HANDS CLASPING WILDLY!!! Popeye can't get out of the way, and

CLUMP
CLUMP
CLUMP

His HANDS CRUSH AROUND POPEYE'S FOREARMS!!! Popeye rises to his feet slowly, as they struggle. The Stapler trying to crush, Popeye trying to resist with his INHUMAN MUSCLES (that he probably got from masturbating or something).

Meanwhile, the ILLUSIONIST is running around in circles because Bonefucker is chasing him! For added effect, Vic's making "whoop whoop whoop" noises.

Popeye manages to push the Stapler back. He's breathing heavily and now blood is streaming out of his nose and the side of his mouth. Its also beginning to trickle out of his ears.

"look....at.....u. i.......m.....enjoying......ur.......SUFFERING!"

The Stapler pulls his arms back, cocking them like a gun, and suddenly he TWIRLS IN THE FUCKING AIR AND EXTENDS HIS ARMS!!! POPEYE USES ALL HIS STRENGTH BUT CAN BARELY BLOCK THE ATTACKS!!! ONE BREAKS THROUGH AND GRABS AT HIS SHOULDER!!!!!

CRUNCHHHH!!!!!!! HIS SHOULDER IS FUCKING PULVERIZED!! The Stapler releases and Popeye is left with only his right arm usable. The left just dangles, the part where it connects to his chest resembling a meat rope more than an arm.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUHFUCK!" Popeye shouts!!! THE AUDIENCE GROANS!!!!!

"gwah....gwah....gwahhhh."

As if things couldn't get any worse, the ILLUSIONIST FUCKING TRIPS AND FALLS AND ROLLS AROUND AND THEN BONEFUCKER IS FUCKING ABOVE HIM AND GRINNING.

"It's OVAH!!!!" HE SHOUTS AND DROPS A MASSIVE ELBOW------

Time seems to slow down. Vic looks up in horror as the bone of Bonefucker's elbow aims directly towards his nose, ready to fuck the hell out of it and probably crush the bone up into Vic's brains and kill him like that awesome scene in The Last Boy Scout. There isn't even enough time for Vic's life to flash before his eyes-----the elbow inches closer and closer and

THWUNK!!!!

"You gotta live, mate," Popeye says, Bonefucker's elbow pressing down into his chest, breaking through ribs and rupturing his heart as the captain of FLOWERS somehow manages to take the blow for his partner at the last possible moment. Blood gushes from his mouth. "Your blahhh father..... he's......"

"He's what?" Vic asks, still holding onto Popeye, using him as a shield as Bonefucker lands another elbow and another. The Stapler comes over and starts crushing various parts of Popeye while Vic remains untouched.

"He's alive.... and in

THE HOLY LIGHTNING EMPIRE."

Vic thanks his partner and then cowers some more as the Stapler and Bonefucker continue to wail on Popeye. Blood and all over the place. Vic is coated in it. There's TOO MUCH FUCKING BLOOD! But somehow it keeps coming.

At last the attack relents as the Stapler and Bonefucker catch their breath.

"Is---that the best ya buggers could do?" Popeye says, sliding off of Vic. Every bone in his body is destroyed. Every organ is destroyed. He still laughs. "You poisoned me, break ma' bones, and still, you can't beat me."

The Stapler puts his hands around Popeye's head and it pops off. MORE FUCKING BLOOD POURS OUT!! BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF BLOOD!

Vic, coated in the slick blood crawls across the floor. He tries to stand up but keeps slipping. At last he gets to his feet and turns.

Julian Bonefucker and The Stapler are standing with arms crossed and laughing. Bonefucker points at Vic.

"Now, its your turn!"

He walks towards the ILLUSIONIST. Vic flicks his wrist, but only a few soggy bloody cards slide out. He tries again and again---AT LAST one dove flies out and POOF!!! the Stapler catches it in one of his powerful hands and the bird explodes like it had been hit by Randy's Johnson's fastball.

Above, Ravenhair watches. She looks away as tears roll down her cheeks. Soon it would be over, she thought, and soon she would kill herself and her perfect wonderful breasts would be food for the dogs.

Then a shadow passes over her. The cage above the pit comes crashing down, KNOCKING DOWN THE STAPLER AND BONEFUCKER as the HUNCHBACK GUARD ENTERS THE PIT. Bonefucker rises quickly and lashes out at the guard, but the guard ducks and launches a tremendous blow to Bonefucker's chest. Then he spins and kicks the Stapler back to the ground.

"HOW DARE YOU!! YOU ARE A MEMBER OF MY GUARD!" Bonefucker shouts.

BUT SHIT, HE'S NOT A GUARD AT ALL!!! HE REMOVES HIS COSTUME AND IT'S

JAZZ FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His saxophone tied to his back. He raises his right hand and beckons the Stapler and Bonefucker foward.

"Come on cats," he says. "Let's bop."

[Seru]

Sixteen promos!

Disqualified!

[Big Fagot]

Check the rules, chief.

Unless you mean for the crime of verbosity.

[Seru]

Changing the rules is a hideous thing to do.

You're lucky I even glanced at them the first time!

[Big Fagot]

If it had stopped being one promo per day, that would have been a change.

[Action Hank]

I didn't post more than five a day, and I technically could have written at least 27 or so promos in total up to now if I wanted to or IF YOU WERE LUCKY!

[Action Hank]

"BIRTH OF COOL!!"

THE GOLDEN SAXOPHONE SHIMMERS IN THE TORCHLIGHT AS IT BURSTS FROM ITS CASE!!!!!!!

The Stapler rushes first.

"i.....m......gonna......clip......ur.....wings.......BIRD!!!" His arms extend outward, HANDS SNAPPING OPEN AND SHUT LIKE THE MOUTH OF A FUCKING CROCODILE!

"BODY AND SOUL!"

JAZZ FANTASTIC'S FINGERS SUBTLY FLOW ACROSS THE GOLDEN SAX KEYS as the delicate melody POURS OUTWARD! The Stapler pauses, his body enraptured by the dulcet tones of the sweet sax!!! Oooooooo!

The audience (I almost forgot about them) gasps!

JAZZ closes his eyes and continues playing. The Stapler begins to loosen. Bonefucker tries to rush forward, but the force of JAZZ's music pushes him back.

"UGH!" JAZZ grunts, stamps AND FUCKING SKIPS A FUCKING NOTE THAT NO ONE EXPECTED HIM TO MISS AND IT'S FUCKING BLOWING THEIR MINDS AND the back of the Stapler's head explodes, chunks of brain land on the ground.

But he's not DONE YET! JAZZ begins to move with the music, and so does the body of the Stapler, which is still entranced by the music.

"y.....y......m......i......still......." the disembodied voice of the Stapler says.

The body of the Stapler turns and FACES FUCKING BONEFUCKER!!! His arms shoot out, hands snapping rhythmically.

"i.....cannot......do......ANYTHING!!!!"

"MY LORD!" Silvertongue shouts from above. "THIS IS AN INTERFERENCE! GUARDS, SEIZE THOSE TWO MEN!"

Guards rush or jump into the pit. Bonefucker steps back as the body of the Stapler BEGINS ATTACKING THE FUCKING GUARDS! Body parts go flying! Blood, yadda yadda yadda.

At last the song ends. The body of the Stapler slumps down onto the pile of dead goon guards. The disembodied voice vanishes.

Bonefucker watches, horrified. He is unprotected.

JAZZ pulls out a cigarette and lights it up. The sax sits ready at his hands.

"I----I----I yield!" Bonefucker shouts. THE AUDIENCE CHEERS!!!

"FLOWERS! FLOWERS! FLOWERS!"

"NO!" Silvertongue shouts from above. "YOU WILL NOT YIELD!!!"

The chubby mustached man screams wildly. He grabs Ravenhair and holds a knife to her throat.

"YOU WILL FIGHT, OR I WILL KILL HER!"

"Don't touch her!"

JAZZ yawns and leans against the wall. The ILLUSIONIST wanders off into the bloodworks and pulls out THE DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL and returns to watch the show.

"YOU IDIOT! WHO DO YOU THINK REALLY CONTROLS THE KINGDOM OF BONEFUCKER? YOU? WHEN I FOUND YOU: FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS, AND UNEMPLOYED IN THE UPPER PENINSULA!"

The audience GASPS!

"I MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE!!! I COULDN'T DO IT MYSELF BECAUSE I LACK YOUR GOOD LOOKS AND MAGNIFICENT BODY!"

"MEN! GRAB SILVERTONGUE! I WANT TO KILL----" but there are no men. They all lay dead around him. "Shit."

Vic walks up to Bonefucker and taps his shoulder.

"What?"

"My friend has something to tell you."

Everyone quiets down to listen to what the DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL has to say.

"He says, 'Look inside yourself. Don't forget your fist.' I don't know what he means by it, but my friend watches a lot of Japanese anime."

THE AUDIENCE FUCKING GASPS!!

"Look....look inside myself?" Bonefucker asks. "My fist? Yes. Yes. Of course. My fist is not EVIL! MY FIST IS MOTHERFUCKING GOOD!" Bonefucker tears a uniform off of a guard, puts it on, and THE FUCKING UNIFORM RIPS TO SHREDS AS HIS MUSCLES BULGE!

"NO!!!" Silvertongue shouts, his body quaking with fear (Ravenhair slips away) as Bonefucker FUCKING LEAPS UP 30 FUCKING FEET AND DRIVES SILVERTONGUE'S HEAD DOWN INTO THE GROUND, POUNDING HIM DOWN INTO THE DIRT 30 FEET UNTIL THEY ARE LEVEL WITH THE PIT THEN HE LIFTS UP SILVERTONGUE AND DRIVES HIM THROUGH THE WALL UNTIL THE LITTLE POCKET PIT IS CONNECTED TO THE MAIN ONE! Then he drops Silvertongue to the ground and fucks his bones!

Ravenhair is on her knees, tears pouring down her face. TEARS OF FUCKING HAPPINESS!!!!!

"BONEFUCKER! BONEFUCKER!" the audience cheers!

"How can I thank you, strangers," Bonefucker says, later, at a farewell party in the fortress. "You showed me the truth that one must FIGHT FOR LOVE!!!"

JAZZ sucks in deeply from his "cigarette" and then blows it out.

"Well, I'm glad everything worked out all right in the end!" Vic says. "But I have to get going. My father is in THE HOLY LIGHTNING EMPIRE!"

Everyone gasps! (except JAZZ)

"You can't go there! That's the most dangerous place in all of the remains of the United States!" Ravenhair says.

"And its impossible to get in. I tried!" Bonefucker says. "There be GOONS there. And not ordinary GOONS. Real, hardcore, hellish GOONS! Devils, perhaps."

"Will this help?" THE ILLUSIONIST asks, holding up a GOLDEN TICKET!

IT FUCKING WILL HELP!

Later.

Vic bids farewell to his new friends, Bonefucker and Ravenhair, who he hopes will have many children and spread the FIST OF LOVE throughout the land. As he wanders away down the path towards THE HOLY LIGHTNING EMPIRE, he meets JAZZ at the crossroads.

"Hello, sir," Vic says. "I wanted to thank you for helping me!"

JAZZ nods. "No problem, cat."

"Would you like to come with me to the HOLY LIGHTNING EMPIRE? I'm looking for my father, but I guess I will probably have to participate in his tournament----ABHORRENT ANATHEMA!!!! (thunder fucking crashes and shit), since I have been invited and all. Probably a good crowd. I'll perform my newest trick.........

THE RETURN OF THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY'S GHOST'S SON!!!!

Though I'll have to get a hold of some bandages or some toilet paper, and a holocaust cloak because there'll be lots of fire, but I think I go it all figured out. See."

He hands JAZZ FANTASTIC a napkin with some crude drawings on it.

"That's a coffee stain," he says, pointing to the coffee stain. JAZZ only nods.

"The act could really use a band. You're pretty good."

"Sure, cat. Sure. Ain't no thing. Sounds like a gig. I'm in. I got some business in THE HOLY LIGHTNING EMPIRE anyway. Got a man I got to find, dig?"

"I'm sure you'll be happy to share the whole story with us in the near future. But let's just walk for now. This promo is very long."

"I dig, cat."

So the two walk off into the distance, and towards ABHORRENT ANATHEMA!!!




--------------

Meanwhile.

Mr. Sinistar looks away from his crystal ball, enraged.

"I knew he would betray me. Never trust a hired gun."

He extends a wrinkled finger and pushes a red button.

"Summon the SINISTARS!" DUN DUN DUN! "Tell them I have two men they have to kill!"



--------------

Meanwhile, part II.

Bonefucker gently fucks the shit out of Ravenhair's hot-ass body as the shadows descend upon his kingdom. Within an hour, every last subject is dead, skinned, and raped.

They had committed a serious crime. They had spoken the FORBIDDEN WORD!!

[Action Hank]

He he, thank you.

[Magic Juan]

Hey, start a new thread. *says it nicely*