Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Spamdini]

Two weeks following Death Race 2007

America is falling apart. Cruel, sadistic beasts pillage what's left of a society brought to ruin. There is no order. There is only chaos...

A man trudges up a steep incline until he reaches the top of a rather expansive plateau. From here, one can see for miles. Fortunately, one can see nothing. Otherwise, they'd only be seeing the most horrible anarchist violence possible. Atop the plateau is a tattered statue, missing an arm and cracked all over. Its ass cheeks no longer glow in the sunlight but are dull and unimpressive. Of course, who cares about the statue? Guess what's on top of the statue!

"Wilson..." von Toity begins to groan, "give me a status report."

Wilson P. Hickenbottom, personal assistant to Hoity von Toity, adjusts his glasses. One of the lenses is cracked, but he wears them mostly for style anyways.

"I managed to locate some surgeons who had not yet been murdered for their painkillers and morphine. There's a chance that they can save Sinclair and Chief Fisting Falcon. 25% chance, to be precise."

"And an exit strategy?"

"No go. Any vehicle that approaches America is destroyed immediately. Even space shuttles are zapped should they enter the atmosphere."

"And my monetary resources?"

"As you know, money is useless in the traditional sense. Fortunately, I once again must commend your foresight. 85% of our bunkers with weapons and food supplies are intact. Raiding and bombing took care of the weaker ones, I'm afraid."

"So I remain rich, and yet not wealthy."

Wilson checks his watch.

"Do you not think we should abort the plan sir? Your security is paramount at the moment. Goons squads will likely want your skull as a prize and there are many who blame FTUW for our current state of affairs."

"To hell with FTUW! I only bought it so I could go through with the project! I won't abandon it now!"

"But if we're caught and murdered, won't it be for naught?"

Another man begins climbing the hill.

"Who's there?!" Wilson barks.

Charles Artemis hops up upon the plateau and wipes the dirt off of his clothes. He begins walking slowly towards his former master. Wilson steps in front of von Toity and stands ready. Both men stand eye to eye and speak not a word.

"How did you get into America?" Wilson asks, breaking the silence.

"Dug my way."

"So what are you doing here?"

Artemis pulls his fist out of his pocket. Wilson stares at it for a second and then reverts his gaze back into Artemis' eyes.

"Hmph! All I have to say to you is...well done!"

Artemis sneers and opens his fist. Within his palm is a time diamond, glimmering in the hot desert sun.

Flashback to the day after Death Race 2007. All of China was in mourning following the loss of Guan Fei. Since he technically turned face before dying, this really was a sad event. Artemis walked into the Golden Chamber of Commerce where Jim Feng was sobbing over his laptop.

"Hey Jim, why aren't you at the national funeral?"

"I...I am coming shortly. I just finished blogging about our king's death on MySpace, Xanga, LiveJournal and Facebook. All I have to do is update his Wikipedia article and then I'll be on my way."

"Yeah, ok. Cripes, it's dead in here! Where are your concubines and guards? I've never seen you without them."

"Already at the funeral. Everyone in China is, I imagine."

"Ah, ok."

Artemis punched Jim Feng through one cheek and out the other! He screamed in agony on the floor as Artemis picked up his laptop and ripped open the machine.

"Heh, looks like you still got this thing from when Guan Fei gave it to you as a gift."

He yanked the Time Diamond out of the processor and rode off on a stolen horse.

Back to present day America. Baron von Toity sees the Time Diamond and chortles manically.

"It took months, but now the pieces of the puzzle are complete! Thank you so much Charles! Hope you had fun with K'unt-smak while you were there."

"It was...interesting..." Charles mutters in an insincere tone.

Wilson pulls a remote control out of his pocket and hits the big red button. From the Earth emerges a hi-tech machine with two indentations in the front. He places the Time Diamond in one of these.

"Did you get the other piece?" Artemis asks.

Wilson pulls another item out of his pocket. "We were fortunate enough to have acquired it before FTUW was destroyed. It was enough trouble retrieving the Pussinium crystal from the sun without having to smuggle it back into post-FTUW America." He installs the Medallion of Hades into the other indentation and the machine begins to hum loudly.

"Are we ready to connect to the Star of Toity?" the baron asks.

"Affirmative, sir!" Wilson replies.

Aretmis raises his hand "One question boss. I know that pumping energy from the Star via underground cables is the only way to power this thing. But aren't the Trembulons going to come after Earth again if we divert energy?"

"Heh, this will take but a minute. If they complain about the blackout, we can just blame it on the Jews! Even the Trembulons understand that!"

The machine glows green and a platform rises up from within it.

"Ok Wilson, engage full power!"

Lightning cracks through the sky and slowly a human figure begins to materialize on the platform.

[Yogurtman]

!!!

[Spamdini]

This storyline was originally meant for FTUW Phase 1. Guan Fei's continuing survival and the sudden explosion of FTUW merely delayed it.

[Yogurtman]

This is secondary to the story at hand, but I would like to see more about Guan Fei's funeral at some point.

Because let's face it, there's basically a 100% chance he would be revered as a god in China, and a billion people who think a man that just died was God would represent a pretty significant force in world affairs.

[Spamdini]

Hm...that certainly is an interesting idea. Perhaps another day. For now, I shall be getting this done.

[Spamdini]

Cleveland, Ohio. A man in his early 30's types away at a keyboard. It is a beautiful day outside in spite of the hustle and bustle of downtown during a work day. He stares out the window adjacent to his cubicle then gets back to work. His rather uncouth supervisor walks by alongside two of the finest honeys Proctor & Gamble's Ohio branch has to offer.

"Hey Pollack, we're leaving early to grab some drinks. Wanna come along?"

Of course the man is not Polish, he is Hungarian. The son of a tailor and a seamstress, his beginnings were relatively humble but pleasant. He admired the hard work his parents went through in order to educate him and thought he'd do them right by becoming successful in America and later sending them the money to come join him. He immigrated to America after earning his MBA back home. His degree was no less worthwhile than an American one, but he was denied promotion after promotion due to perceptions of Eastern European universities. As hard as he worked, it seemed unlikely that he would ever earn enough to fulfill his promise. Still, he persevered.

"N...no thank you. I need to get this done."

"Suit yourself. I hear Ronnie James Dio is in concert and we're gonna head there after that. We'll tell you how hard it rocked!"

He would like to spend time with those ladies, but he is timid around women. In spite of his athletic physique, he is not particularly attractive either. He is as bald as a cueball and rather odd looking. This did little to boost his self-confidence. That is not to say he was not a happy man. After all, there is more to life than money and women. And he also knew deep down in his heart that one day that good things would come to him. It was just...a feeling.

It was 7:00 before he left the office. Arriving at home, he heated up some leftover goulash and quickly consumed his meal. His apartment is small and very plain. Not even television or microwave oven. Just a hide-a-bed, a PC and some free weights. Training the body is just as important as training the mind; that's his philosophy. A solid hour of working out leads to more typing away at a computer screen. He checks the clock. 10:30. He won't get to sleep before midnight again, even though he needs to make up at 5:00 in order to make the commute. No sense in fighting it though. He continues with his task at hand.

Suddenly, he freezes where he sits. A great pain surges through his chest. A heart attack? Is he dying?! No!! It feels more like he's being torn apart! What...what could this possibly be? That's when he notices that his hands are turning translucent! Not just his hands! His whole body is fading away! WHAT THE HELL?!

The next thing he knows, he is waking up naked on some sort of futuristic machine. As his eyes focus, he sees two big black gentlemen standing there with sinister grins on their faces. Between them is a broken statue. Except in the place of the statue's head is a human head! A living breathing head! It's...HIS HEAD!

"Wh-what's going on?!" he exclaims in disbelief.

The head in the jar twirls his mustache with his lips. "Welcome to this version of Earth, Mr. Hoity von Toity!"

[Spamdini]

MAKE SURE YOU READ THE PROMO ABOVE THIS FIRST!



A still naked Hoity von Toity is delirious as Wilson and Artemis strap him to an operating table. Baron von Toity is wheeled into the room and watched on with glee.

"Where am I?! H-how do you know my name?! W-why is my head in a jar?!"

"Ho ho ho," the baron chuckles. "I know who you are because I AM you! Well, another version of you, that is. You see, one day I saw something quite interesting in my seer's crystal balls."

The seer steps into the room and drops his pants to reveal, lo and behold, crystal balls.

"I saw another version of our Earth. A world without a religious cult running Germany. Without China being reverted to the 2nd century. Without a Richonia. Without a destroyed America. Without FTUW."

The naked von Toity has no idea what his other self is talking about. Richonia? FTUW?

"I found out where your world's version of myself resided and set up a dimensional gate in that place. It used the time and space altering properties of a special gem known as a Time Diamond. You survived the trip through a life sustaining material known as Pussinium. And now that you are here, I have found the perfect host!"

"H-host?!"

Baron von Toity sighs. "Sadly, my body was destroyed in a great battle. This is all that remains of me. Attaching my head to another body was too risky since there was a high chance of the body rejecting my head and that I would die in the process. However, I found a body that I know has no probability of rejecting me! Be honored, Mr. von Toity! Your body will finally be doing great things!"

Surgeons start filing into the room as Hoity von Toity's screams fill the air.

[Magic Juan]

Hahah, yeah.

[Rice]

Okay, that last promo might lead to some people doing ridiculous shit.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

You mean like sending a caveman into the future? Or a giant, talking ant? Maybe a guy who gains super powers by smoking weed?

[Rice]

I mean cheesing the system by reviving dead characters via alternate realities.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

Technically, he's not reviving a dead character.

[Vinny]

Yeah, Toity's never been dead.

[Rice]

Well, I'm saying it might give people the idea to Ace Kendo it up.

[Magic Juan]

Look, keep Puff Ryder out of this. He is fucking awesome.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

You know I love Puff Ryder even more than you do!

[Magic Juan]

*smokes weed*
*possesses wrestling shark and explodes him in space*

[Spamdini]

Present day

Reporting live is Jake "Fangfoot" Desmond, reporter for NRTV


The United States of America. Once the undisputed superpower of the Earth, it is now a desolate wasteland of death and agony. All over, wandering armies of hooligans and savages tear brutalize what is left of humanity in this ruthless land.

But there are places in which society begins to grow anew rather than die out. The result of powerful leaders and great human cohesiveness in these trying times, they are held together mostly by fear or lust for power. The borders defining these new states grow and shrink as bloody conflicts break out, but after months of terrible war, some semblance of stability now exists.

One such new state is Nouveau-Richonia. Relatively small, this land exists as a type of sanctuary to those who have enough gold, food, gasoline and women and other resources to spend. You can trade your items for Toity dollars at any number of exchange kiosks throughout the land. These can be spent on old world luxuries such as lush hotels with working plumbing or alcohol brewed in actual distilleries and not in the intestines of a migrant worker. The capital of Branson (formerly of the state of Missouri), has been transformed from a family-friendly style Las Vegas into a...uh...Las Vegas style Las Vegas. Gambling is popular as well as live shows including brutal fights and the ever-popular band Viscerape. And let us not forget television! Nouveau-Richonia is the first state in this new America to have a national network to help us all through these rough and potentially boring times.

Most popular is the "Ring of Rage", an event that takes place nightly in the Shred Sword© Arena. Fighters battle in all sorts of bouts ranging from boxing to mixed martial arts to street fights. Some of these matches are no less professional than the organized leagues of old America with rules protecting the fighters from serious injury. However, the hottest bouts are always the deathmatches that take place between the most insane warriors in America and slaves. Here, no more than one man leaves alive and often in more than one piece.

Crime is non-existent in Nouveau-Richonia. Though rape is commonplace everywhere else in America, those caught committing this or any other crime are sentenced to the Ring of Rage or executed on the spot by the highly effective Knights of Toity. Armed with space armor and lasers similar to those of the Richonian army in Europe, they are a small but very effective force. They also keep the territory safe from outside invaders. Not that invasions are a problem thanks to alliances with neighboring states and a policy of not expanding beyond its current borders. Besides, even the most savage monsters enjoy kicking back with a love slave and a bottle of vodka once in a while. The Knights of Toity also keep undesirables out by severely beating anyone who tries to enter the country without at least 10,000 Toity dollars worth of possessions.

The king of this land is Hoity von Toity. He mysteriously regained his body during his disappearance after Death Race 2007 and managed to adapt to this new America. More than taking it in stride, his natural sense of capitalism led him to founding this safe haven in a world forgotten by God. Prime minister Wilson P. Hickenbottom is also their diplomat abroad and serves as a Ring of Rage talent scout while negotiating peace between nations and gangs. Charles Artemis, mayor of Branson, also serves as commissioner of the Ring of Rage and even participates in special matches from time to time. All the nightclubs and brothels are run by Sinclair Mohammad, a man known equally for his voracious appetites as he is for his wicked temper.

This reporter is grateful for Lord von Toity. In a world marred by chaos, he has created a land where you can forget about the bloodshed out there and just chill out. So long as you can afford it. Cheers!

[Action Hank]

oh my!

[Big Fagot]

Are you sure you didn't mean Bronson, Missouri?