Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[L Ron Butterfly]

Michael Phelps’ SNL Monologue (Early Draft)


[words in brackets are not to be spoken aloud]
[line breaks indicate pause for laughter]


[Phelps]

Hello, I am Michael Phelps. As you probably already know,
This summer, I broke the world record [pause, approx. 1 s]
For most hair shaved off one human being
In any three-month period since the beginning of recorded history.

For, you see, I am a naturally hairy man,
And I was required to shave my entire body
In order to swim in the Olympics.

I shaved all my body and facial hair
Except for my eyebrows [point to eyebrows]


Which are covered by the goggles!

Otherwise, they would have significantly increased my surface area,
And crippled my chances of winning.

[approx 4s: pan shot to audience:
Keenan, sitting in wheelchair,
makes funny face]

The hair was measured by total mass not volume.
I had to collect all the hair
In this gigantic bag [enter gigantic bag]
To be measured in total grams. I don’t understand the metric system!

And after the judging was over, I took the hair out the gigantic bag
And put the hair into teddy bears
And put the teddy bears into the gigantic bag. [aprox 45 s: remove armful of teddy bears]
toss them into audience left,
. right, center, until cue light]

They bleed real blood when I stab them! [stab]
They bleed real blood when I stab them! [approx 30 s: stab until cue light]


I will now take questions from the audience.
[Amy Coulier, with glasses, pen and pad]
Does this competition also include hair removed from your head?
Or is it only hair removed from your face and body?
[Phelps]
That is a good question. The competition is for the most hair shaved off of one human being. Head hair is included. However, I do not shave my head, but instead receive conservative haircuts. So my head hair was not included. Luckily, my
body hair was plentiful enough to give me an edge over my head-shaving competition.
Anyone else?

[William Shatner]
Do you wish to advertise anything?
[Phelps]
No.

We’ve got a great show tonight!
Stay tuned for Lil’ Wayne instead of going to Mimi’s to see DJ Soul Sister on her birthday!

[Action Hank]

Who is Amy Coulier? Is she Dave Coulier's sister?


Also, the fuck Punkasss?

[Fagzilla]

THE FUCK

[Servbot]

Could someone explain what this means.

[Action Hank]

[Roy]

I don't know if this is real or SNL fanfiction, but if the latter, you did a good job of accurately portraying the quality of jokes that would go on in that show.